They have a tool for that. It's called a Doctor
Sticky Fun Mega Thread
- Thread starter somancky
- Start date
I'll have to try this myself.
Everyone has a purpose
if only i had this idea when i was a child lol
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke..
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke..
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.
But Doctor, I'm genuinely feeling unwell and depressed. Is there anything else you can suggest?
A police officer pulled me over and said, "Papers?"
I said, "Scissors,
I win,"
and drove off.
He must have wanted a rematch because he has been chasing me for 45 minutes.
I said, "Scissors,
I win,"
and drove off.
He must have wanted a rematch because he has been chasing me for 45 minutes.
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
“Son, where were you today?”
The son says, “At school, dad.” Robot slaps the son.
“Okay, I watched a DVD at my friend’s house!”
“What DVD?”
“Kung Fu panda.” Robot slaps the son.
“Okay, it was an adult film!” Dad yells, “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what an adult film was!” Robot slaps the dad.
mom laughs, “He’s certainly your son!” Robot slaps the mom.
He decides to test it at dinner.
“Son, where were you today?”
The son says, “At school, dad.” Robot slaps the son.
“Okay, I watched a DVD at my friend’s house!”
“What DVD?”
“Kung Fu panda.” Robot slaps the son.
“Okay, it was an adult film!” Dad yells, “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what an adult film was!” Robot slaps the dad.
mom laughs, “He’s certainly your son!” Robot slaps the mom.
HA,HA.
I wonder WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I tried that
i defo would not recommend unless ya a fast car lol
im thinking i need to get one of these ,
A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.
The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!
He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.
The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!
Very Very Good. simple signing works
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Employe: "I bet you $6,000 i can piss in your cup 30 meters away." Boss: "Ok I would like to see you try." Employe: As he moves on pissing all over the floor loosing $6,000 not caring. Boss: "Ha you just lost $6,000." Secratary: "God damnit!" Boss: "Whats wrong?" Secratary: "He bet me $200,000 he could piss allover your floor and you would be happy about it!"
Good stuff man..
On the ball, good union man
Thanks to Quinten Tarantino for that one - was in Desperado
An old farmer sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the farmer and asked, "Are you a real farmer?"
He replied, "Well, yes - I guess I am... I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, planting crops, bailing hay, doctoring calves, harvesting crops, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a REAL farmer."
Then he added, "What are you?".
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping their drinks in silence. Once the woman finished her drink she left.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old farmer and asked, "Are you a real farmer?"
He replied, "Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
He replied, "Well, yes - I guess I am... I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, planting crops, bailing hay, doctoring calves, harvesting crops, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a REAL farmer."
Then he added, "What are you?".
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping their drinks in silence. Once the woman finished her drink she left.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old farmer and asked, "Are you a real farmer?"
He replied, "Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn ..... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn ..... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
Aren't we all
The story of life
Three nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter.
St Peter says to the nuns, “Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven.”
He looks to the first nun and asks, “Where did the first woman live?”
The first nun quickly replied, “The garden of Eden”.
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun. “What was the name of the first woman?”
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies, “Eve.”
“Well done!” Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying, “As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?”
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says, “Oh, that’s a hard one”.
“Correct!” Says St Peter. “You may enter.
St Peter says to the nuns, “Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven.”
He looks to the first nun and asks, “Where did the first woman live?”
The first nun quickly replied, “The garden of Eden”.
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun. “What was the name of the first woman?”
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies, “Eve.”
“Well done!” Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying, “As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?”
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says, “Oh, that’s a hard one”.
“Correct!” Says St Peter. “You may enter.
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”
The nun says, “Mother Superior told me.”
To which the man asks, “So, have you ever tried it?”
The nun replies, “No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor.”
The man says, “Well then, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life.”
The nun agrees, “Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking.”
The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.”
The bartender looks at the man and says, “Is that nun in here again?”
The nun says, “Mother Superior told me.”
To which the man asks, “So, have you ever tried it?”
The nun replies, “No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor.”
The man says, “Well then, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life.”
The nun agrees, “Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking.”
The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.”
The bartender looks at the man and says, “Is that nun in here again?”
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head “yes” and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head “no” and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy,’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘You wanna sell that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year’.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head “yes” and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head “no” and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy,’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘You wanna sell that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year’.
I will remember this for the next time I am speaking to a nun. HA HA .
ANOTHER GOOD ONE.
Very special Mule
thats why its booked up for a year lol