QATAR — The United States' soccer match against England ended in a tie, handing the U.S. team victory as the country which last beat the other in a war wins the tiebreaker.
"We don't decide the rules, we just win the wars," said U.S. coach Gregg Berhalter in the post-match press conference. "Last I checked, we drive on the right side of the road and call cookies by their God-given name. Chalk one up for Team U.S.A."
The highly anticipated match saw a supposedly dominant world power in England get shown up by a bunch of American football players who only took up soccer to stay in shape during the offseason. "Soccer is probably my seventh best sport, right after ping-pong," said America's star midfielder Cristian Pulisic. "It's pretty sad to see these English guys devote their whole lives to the sport, just for us to come out and embarrass them. But hey, that's a pretty good summary of America's entire relationship with England."
After ninety scoreless minutes during which nothing apparently happened, the U.S. was declared the winner by virtue of Lord Cornwallis' surrender at Yorktown. "We hold a pretty solid tiebreaker against almost every country on earth," said Coach Berhalter. "Bring on Germany, Japan, Spain. We just have to hope the Taliban never gets a decent soccer team together."
At publishing time, FIFA had announced that America's victory will also force all British citizens to call the sport "soccer" until the next time the two teams face off.