IRAN — The Pentagon has issued Crocs to the 82nd Airborne Division in order to allow President Trump to truthfully say that he has not put any boots on the ground.
All soldiers have been required to turn in their standard-issue Army Combat Boots to ensure that not a single American boot will touch Iranian soil during the 82nd Airborne's deployment.
"Promises kept," said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth as he showed of his new Crocs. "We will have no boots on the ground in Iran, only the proprietary closed-cell resin known as 'Croslite'. These shoes are extremely versatile. You can lounge in them with the strap forward, or convert them into 'Tactical Mode' by putting the strap behind your heel. Soldiers will also love put those little Jibbitz things on their Crocs to personalize them. It's a win-win."
According to sources, Trump had initially requested that the Pentagon solve the problem by issuing soldiers hoverboards like in Back to the Future Part II. "Trump was very insistent," said an aide on condition of anonymity. "He demanded to know why we didn't have hoverboards if they were around thirty years ago and Michael J. Fox rode one. It was a difficult conversation."
At publishing time, Trump had announced that the war against Iran had been won, and therefore another 2,000 troops would be deployed immediately.