Post some good Quotes and they can be added to the header above, the current ones are from a very old generic list.
One per line. Upto 60 words.
One per line. Upto 60 words.
Sticky Quotes for the site.
- Thread starter Tango
- Start date
You are your best thing. — Toni Morrison
"Software is like sex: It's better when it's free." - Linus Torvalds
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." — Oscar Wilde
“You get what you give. What you put into things is what you get out of them.” – Jennifer Lopez
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man but it would deteriorate the cat. - Mark Twain
The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Mahatma Gandhi
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
Curiosity is the wick in the candle of learning.
The difference between coffee and your opinion is I asked for coffee.
A cubic mile of fog is made up of less than a gallon of water.
The most impressive example of tolerance is a Golden Wedding Anniversary.
It isn't what you know that counts, it's what you Google in time. - NavyRet
Most people would rather defend to the death your right to say it than listen to it.
Another person's secret is like another person's money; you are not as careful with it as you are with your own.
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
At times it is better to keep your mouth shut and let people wonder if you're a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Trying to impress others usually does - usually in quite the opposite way.
My interest is in the future because I'm going to spend the rest of my life there.
Friendships multiply joys and divide griefs.
Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.
If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.
If you really want the last word in an argument, try saying, "I guess you're right".
Nothing is harder to do secretly than stub your toe.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
You never know what makes people tick until they begin to unwind.
An operation that takes a doctor an hour to perform may take a patient years to describe.
The most difficult secret for a man to keep is the opinion he has of himself.
One nice thing about egoists; they don't talk about other people.
No one is rich enough to do without a friend.
It takes less time to do a thing right that to explain why you did it wrong.
You spend an evening with some people; with others you invest it.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it’s not worth it. – J. Nowell
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. – anon
It’s not easy being green. – Kermit the Frog
Out of all the things I’ve lost in life, I think I miss my mind the most. – anon
The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I’ll walk carefully, – Russian Proverb
The difference between the Pope and your boss - The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. – anon
The other line always moves faster until you get in it. – anon
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – anon
We developed language because of our deep need to complain. – Lily Tomlin
Procrastination is the greatest labor saving invention of all time - anon
I wonder if clothes in China say, "Made around the corner." - anon
On the other hand, you have different fingers. - Steven Wright
Constipated people don't give a crap. - anon
All generalizations are false. - Mark Twain
I'm not dead, I'm electroencephalographically challenged. anon
Money talks... but all mine ever says is goodbye! - anon
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this? - anon
Technically, Moses was the first person with a tablet downloading data from the cloud
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows - anon
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity - anon
An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot. Rich Julius
If you're hotter then me, then that means I'm cooler than you.
Thank God I don't have to hunt for my food, I don't even know where tacos live.
I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times.
If you don't pay your exorcist you'll get repossessed.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Everyone always wants to go to heaven, but no one ever wants to die.
It's not a bald spot; it's a solar panel for a sex machine.
Sir, if you were my husband, I'd poison your drink
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. - Kurt Vonnegut
Nostalgia isn't what it to be.
I to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure - W.C. Fields
To do is to be - Descartes
To be is to do - Voltaire
Do be do be do - Frank Sinatra
I stayed up all night playing Texas Hold'em with a deck of tarot cards. I got a royal flush and five people died.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down.
It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.
If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and needs the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter.
In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet.
In Ohio, it is against the law to get a fish drunk.
In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.
In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.
In Israel picking your nose on Saturday is forbidden.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
A pun has not fully matured until it is full groan.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
He went to school to become a wit but only got halfway through.
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.
You better live every day like it's your last day, because one day you're doing to be right. - Ray Charles
The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
Doing nothing is very difficult - you never know when you're finished.
I'm a nobody. Nobody is perfect; therefore I'm perfect.
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
When I said "How stupid could you be?" it wasn't a challenge!
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
I am tired. I M sofa king tired.
I'm an asshole. If you don't want your feelings hurt - walk away.
If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.
I to be a man trapped in a woman's body ,,, and then I was born.
Good morning. I see the assassins have failed again.
Hey girl, is your name GOOGLE? cuz you're everything I'm searching for.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
I'm only responsible for what I say not for what you understand.
I had a super busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
If guns kill people I guess pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk and spoons make people fat.
I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can lose weight.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
If I'm ever on life support, unplug me and then plug me back in. See if that works.
"Vegetarian" is an old Native American word for Bad Hunter.
Hey! Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah, me neither.
There's no need to repeat yourself, I ignored you just fine the first time.
My opinion offended you? You should hear what I kept to myself.
Cremation is my last hope for a smokin' hot body.
Farting is just my way of saying I love you.
I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today.
Sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store.
Don't piss me off, I'm out of places to hide bodies.
I'm a sergeant. Want to see my privates?
I'm not saying I hate you but I'd unplug your life support to charge my phone.
I thought getting old would take longer.
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.
Looking at my wife I think - DAMN she's a lucky woman.
PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals
It's all Shits and Giggles until someone Giggles and Shits.
Be careful when you follow the masses, sometimes the 'M' is silent.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… And yet, smoking bacon will cure it.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
Women should not have children after 35 — 35 children are enough!
It sure takes a lot of balls to golf the way you do.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves. Abi Roberts
Every married man should forget their mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing.
You can’t hum while plugging your nose. - Go ahead, try it.
It got so cold last night that flashers were forced to describe themselves to people.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I tried to change my password to penis but they said it was too short.
I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
You don't need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”
Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out, you know, But we'll be friends through thick and thin, peter out or peter in.
You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Frack it – just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.
I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin,
and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna get a divorce.
Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing
you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’
Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.
No one is listening until you fart.
Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it craps on your head.
I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Sex on TV can’t hurt unless you fall off.
668 – The neighbor of the beast.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
When you go to the drugstore, why are the
condoms not in with the other party supplies?
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.
My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
The first few weeks of Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet.
I went up to the airport information desk and said ‘How many airports are there in the world?'
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his mother-in-law in the jungle? (Think about it.)
I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my Mother that really hurt.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it.
To the man on crutches dressed in camouflage who stole my wallet: you can hide but you can’t run.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
I called the Phone Company and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.
The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
I wonder what my dog named me?
Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, anyone going faster is a maniac.
As battery life decreases, anxiety increases
My boss told me I intimidate my colleagues. So I stared at him until he apologized.
I just read a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know someone will make a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss.
Money talks. Its favorite word is "Goodbye!"
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Sometimes I think I'm too picky. But then I watch my dog searching for a place to poop.
Be the person your dog thinks you are.
Write a wise saying, and your name will live forever. Anonymous
My friend and I always laugh how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
I always close my eyes on a crowded bus. I hate to see old ladies standing.
The cats are in charge. I just live here.
Did you know: Homeowner has the word meow in it.
I just asked myself if I'm crazy. We said no.
Sarcasm is my super power - Don’t I wish?
Leave Me Alone. I’m Only Talking to My Cat Today
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
I couldn’t wait to get up this morning. But I waited anyway.
I to like listening to the Rolling Stones. But now I can’t get no satisfaction.
Suppose someone says, “Shit”. I don’t know if it’s a
command to do something or a warning about where to step.
Someone stole my crowbar so now I’ve lost all my leverage.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Back in my day there was so much toilet paper, people to string it up in the trees of their enemies.
The opinions expressed by the husband of this house do not always represent the views of the management.
If your wife wants to learn to drive don't stand in her way.
Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants.
I think I'm emotionally constipated cause I haven't given a shit in two years.
Pretending to be pleasant all day is exhausting.
You can't put flowers in an asshole and call it a vase.
If you're waiting for me to care, you better pack a lunch. It's gonna be a while.
Brunch without booze is just a sad, late breakfast.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid.I really thought you already knew.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That's five years in a row.
Mmmm this dry tuna sandwich on low calorie bread is both filling AND delicious, said no one on a diet, ever.
Stressed is desserts spelled backwards.
Friday is my second favorite "F" word.
Talking to some people is like having to slap an old TV a few times to get the picture.
This is my "cup of care". Oh, look. It's empty.
Why do people say they're having a tuna fish sandwich, but never say they're having a chicken bird sandwich?
According to the BMI chart, I'm too short.
Hi. I don't care. Thanks.
There's going to be food? OK. I'll come.
Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is faster and easier.
Why yes, I do smile a little when Karma pays a visit to someone who so desperately deserves it.
Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a super power.
God wasted a good asshole when he put teeth in that guy's mouth.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the bathroom with an air horn. Now we wait.
I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why I'm correct.
If anyone ever texts me "who is this", I always respond "Jake from State Farm".
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this Bull before.
Do not mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job too.
I'm pretty sure some people were conceived through anal sex. There's no way being that much of an asshole is natural.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing "K" instead of "OK"?
Another fine day ruined by responsibility.
Grammar: The difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you're nuts.
# 1 rule in arguments: If you're losing, start correcting their grammar.
That awkward moment when you leave the store without buying anything and all you can think is 'act natural, you're innocent'.
You can only say WTF so many times a day until you just decide to start drinking.
Want to freak out your neighbors? Name your wifi ... "FBI Surveillance Van"
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like "I'm bored, let's go brush your teeth!"
Insanity doesn't run in my family. It strolls through, taking its time, getting to know everyone personally.
I'm not OCD, but you can count on me to turn your toilet paper in the correct direction.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.
Why do I have to press ONE for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
All I know is one of us is right and the other one is you.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve? For thou art a douche.
I bet when Cheetahs race & one of them cheats, the other one goes"Man, you're such a Cheetah" & they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be Hell toupee. I'll see myself out.
A ship in harbor is safe, but that’s not why ships are built. --Chinese Fortune Cookie
The fortune you seek is in another cookie. --Chinese Fortune Cookie
A closed mouth gathers no feet. -- Chinese Fortune Cookie
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. --Chinese Fortune Cookie
A cynic is only a frustrated optimist. -- Chinese Fortune Cookie
Some men dream of fortunes, others dream of cookies. --Chinese Fortune Cookie
Never forget a friend. Especially if he owes you. --Chinese Fortune Cookie
No snowflake feels responsible in an avalanche. --Chinese Fortune Cookie
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless? --Chinese Fortune Cookie
I walked down the street dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Feeling good about yourself? Have a kid draw a picture of you.
If there was a pill to cure procrastination, I'd probably take it tomorrow.
You know you're old when you clean to the music you used to drink to.
Boss: You should have been here at 8 Me: Why, what happened at 8?
The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.
One person can make a difference and everyone should try. -- John F. Kennedy
To get what you want, STOP doing what isn't working. -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
Everything you can imagine is real. -- Pablo Picasso
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says "I'm possible." -- Audrey Hepburn
The most important thing is to try and inspire people so that they be great in whatever they want to do -- Kobe Bryant
Mystery creates wonder and wonder is the basis of man's desire to understand. -- Neil Armstrong
The time is always right to do what is right. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Sitting down is against everything I stand for.
Someone stole my secret Santa present. It was a copy of Microsoft Office. I will find you. You have my Word.
He gently slid her panties to one side. So the rest of her socks would fit in the drawer.
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose? Ham boogers. I know, I know...Snot funny.
I used to think adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong.
Multiple crises. Concurrently. All at once. All the time. Forever.
Remember, puns on St Patrick's day don't just shame you,
They Seamus all.
Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. - Buddah
The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed. - Nicolas Chamfort
UFOs: The reliable cases are uninteresting and the
interesting cases are unreliable. - Carl Sagan 1975
The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Mahatma Gandhi
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
Curiosity is the wick in the candle of learning.
The difference between coffee and your opinion is I asked for coffee.
A cubic mile of fog is made up of less than a gallon of water.
The most impressive example of tolerance is a Golden Wedding Anniversary.
It isn't what you know that counts, it's what you Google in time. - NavyRet
Most people would rather defend to the death your right to say it than listen to it.
Another person's secret is like another person's money; you are not as careful with it as you are with your own.
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
At times it is better to keep your mouth shut and let people wonder if you're a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Trying to impress others usually does - usually in quite the opposite way.
My interest is in the future because I'm going to spend the rest of my life there.
Friendships multiply joys and divide griefs.
Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.
If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.
If you really want the last word in an argument, try saying, "I guess you're right".
Nothing is harder to do secretly than stub your toe.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
You never know what makes people tick until they begin to unwind.
An operation that takes a doctor an hour to perform may take a patient years to describe.
The most difficult secret for a man to keep is the opinion he has of himself.
One nice thing about egoists; they don't talk about other people.
No one is rich enough to do without a friend.
It takes less time to do a thing right that to explain why you did it wrong.
You spend an evening with some people; with others you invest it.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it’s not worth it. – J. Nowell
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. – anon
It’s not easy being green. – Kermit the Frog
Out of all the things I’ve lost in life, I think I miss my mind the most. – anon
The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I’ll walk carefully, – Russian Proverb
The difference between the Pope and your boss - The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. – anon
The other line always moves faster until you get in it. – anon
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – anon
We developed language because of our deep need to complain. – Lily Tomlin
Procrastination is the greatest labor saving invention of all time - anon
I wonder if clothes in China say, "Made around the corner." - anon
On the other hand, you have different fingers. - Steven Wright
Constipated people don't give a crap. - anon
All generalizations are false. - Mark Twain
I'm not dead, I'm electroencephalographically challenged. anon
Money talks... but all mine ever says is goodbye! - anon
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this? - anon
Technically, Moses was the first person with a tablet downloading data from the cloud
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows - anon
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity - anon
An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot. Rich Julius
If you're hotter then me, then that means I'm cooler than you.
Thank God I don't have to hunt for my food, I don't even know where tacos live.
I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times.
If you don't pay your exorcist you'll get repossessed.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Everyone always wants to go to heaven, but no one ever wants to die.
It's not a bald spot; it's a solar panel for a sex machine.
Sir, if you were my husband, I'd poison your drink
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. - Kurt Vonnegut
Nostalgia isn't what it to be.
I to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure - W.C. Fields
To do is to be - Descartes
To be is to do - Voltaire
Do be do be do - Frank Sinatra
I stayed up all night playing Texas Hold'em with a deck of tarot cards. I got a royal flush and five people died.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down.
It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.
If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and needs the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter.
In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet.
In Ohio, it is against the law to get a fish drunk.
In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.
In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.
In Israel picking your nose on Saturday is forbidden.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
A pun has not fully matured until it is full groan.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
He went to school to become a wit but only got halfway through.
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.
You better live every day like it's your last day, because one day you're doing to be right. - Ray Charles
The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
Doing nothing is very difficult - you never know when you're finished.
I'm a nobody. Nobody is perfect; therefore I'm perfect.
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
When I said "How stupid could you be?" it wasn't a challenge!
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
I am tired. I M sofa king tired.
I'm an asshole. If you don't want your feelings hurt - walk away.
If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.
I to be a man trapped in a woman's body ,,, and then I was born.
Good morning. I see the assassins have failed again.
Hey girl, is your name GOOGLE? cuz you're everything I'm searching for.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
I'm only responsible for what I say not for what you understand.
I had a super busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
If guns kill people I guess pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk and spoons make people fat.
I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can lose weight.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
If I'm ever on life support, unplug me and then plug me back in. See if that works.
"Vegetarian" is an old Native American word for Bad Hunter.
Hey! Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah, me neither.
There's no need to repeat yourself, I ignored you just fine the first time.
My opinion offended you? You should hear what I kept to myself.
Cremation is my last hope for a smokin' hot body.
Farting is just my way of saying I love you.
I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today.
Sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store.
Don't piss me off, I'm out of places to hide bodies.
I'm a sergeant. Want to see my privates?
I'm not saying I hate you but I'd unplug your life support to charge my phone.
I thought getting old would take longer.
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.
Looking at my wife I think - DAMN she's a lucky woman.
PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals
It's all Shits and Giggles until someone Giggles and Shits.
Be careful when you follow the masses, sometimes the 'M' is silent.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… And yet, smoking bacon will cure it.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
Women should not have children after 35 — 35 children are enough!
It sure takes a lot of balls to golf the way you do.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves. Abi Roberts
Every married man should forget their mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing.
You can’t hum while plugging your nose. - Go ahead, try it.
It got so cold last night that flashers were forced to describe themselves to people.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I tried to change my password to penis but they said it was too short.
I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
You don't need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”
Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out, you know, But we'll be friends through thick and thin, peter out or peter in.
You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Frack it – just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.
I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin,
and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna get a divorce.
Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing
you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’
Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.
No one is listening until you fart.
Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it craps on your head.
I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Sex on TV can’t hurt unless you fall off.
668 – The neighbor of the beast.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
When you go to the drugstore, why are the
condoms not in with the other party supplies?
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.
My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
The first few weeks of Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet.
I went up to the airport information desk and said ‘How many airports are there in the world?'
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his mother-in-law in the jungle? (Think about it.)
I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my Mother that really hurt.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it.
To the man on crutches dressed in camouflage who stole my wallet: you can hide but you can’t run.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
I called the Phone Company and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.
The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
I wonder what my dog named me?
Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, anyone going faster is a maniac.
As battery life decreases, anxiety increases
My boss told me I intimidate my colleagues. So I stared at him until he apologized.
I just read a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know someone will make a study that says smoking weed causes short term memory loss.
Money talks. Its favorite word is "Goodbye!"
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Sometimes I think I'm too picky. But then I watch my dog searching for a place to poop.
Be the person your dog thinks you are.
Write a wise saying, and your name will live forever. Anonymous
My friend and I always laugh how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
I always close my eyes on a crowded bus. I hate to see old ladies standing.
The cats are in charge. I just live here.
Did you know: Homeowner has the word meow in it.
I just asked myself if I'm crazy. We said no.
Sarcasm is my super power - Don’t I wish?
Leave Me Alone. I’m Only Talking to My Cat Today
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
I couldn’t wait to get up this morning. But I waited anyway.
I to like listening to the Rolling Stones. But now I can’t get no satisfaction.
Suppose someone says, “Shit”. I don’t know if it’s a
command to do something or a warning about where to step.
Someone stole my crowbar so now I’ve lost all my leverage.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Back in my day there was so much toilet paper, people to string it up in the trees of their enemies.
The opinions expressed by the husband of this house do not always represent the views of the management.
If your wife wants to learn to drive don't stand in her way.
Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants.
I think I'm emotionally constipated cause I haven't given a shit in two years.
Pretending to be pleasant all day is exhausting.
You can't put flowers in an asshole and call it a vase.
If you're waiting for me to care, you better pack a lunch. It's gonna be a while.
Brunch without booze is just a sad, late breakfast.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid.I really thought you already knew.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That's five years in a row.
Mmmm this dry tuna sandwich on low calorie bread is both filling AND delicious, said no one on a diet, ever.
Stressed is desserts spelled backwards.
Friday is my second favorite "F" word.
Talking to some people is like having to slap an old TV a few times to get the picture.
This is my "cup of care". Oh, look. It's empty.
Why do people say they're having a tuna fish sandwich, but never say they're having a chicken bird sandwich?
According to the BMI chart, I'm too short.
Hi. I don't care. Thanks.
There's going to be food? OK. I'll come.
Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is faster and easier.
Why yes, I do smile a little when Karma pays a visit to someone who so desperately deserves it.
Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a super power.
God wasted a good asshole when he put teeth in that guy's mouth.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the bathroom with an air horn. Now we wait.
I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why I'm correct.
If anyone ever texts me "who is this", I always respond "Jake from State Farm".
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this Bull before.
Do not mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job too.
I'm pretty sure some people were conceived through anal sex. There's no way being that much of an asshole is natural.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing "K" instead of "OK"?
Another fine day ruined by responsibility.
Grammar: The difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you're nuts.
# 1 rule in arguments: If you're losing, start correcting their grammar.
That awkward moment when you leave the store without buying anything and all you can think is 'act natural, you're innocent'.
You can only say WTF so many times a day until you just decide to start drinking.
Want to freak out your neighbors? Name your wifi ... "FBI Surveillance Van"
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like "I'm bored, let's go brush your teeth!"
Insanity doesn't run in my family. It strolls through, taking its time, getting to know everyone personally.
I'm not OCD, but you can count on me to turn your toilet paper in the correct direction.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.
Why do I have to press ONE for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
All I know is one of us is right and the other one is you.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve? For thou art a douche.
I bet when Cheetahs race & one of them cheats, the other one goes"Man, you're such a Cheetah" & they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be Hell toupee. I'll see myself out.
A ship in harbor is safe, but that’s not why ships are built. --Chinese Fortune Cookie
The fortune you seek is in another cookie. --Chinese Fortune Cookie
A closed mouth gathers no feet. -- Chinese Fortune Cookie
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. --Chinese Fortune Cookie
A cynic is only a frustrated optimist. -- Chinese Fortune Cookie
Some men dream of fortunes, others dream of cookies. --Chinese Fortune Cookie
Never forget a friend. Especially if he owes you. --Chinese Fortune Cookie
No snowflake feels responsible in an avalanche. --Chinese Fortune Cookie
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless? --Chinese Fortune Cookie
I walked down the street dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Feeling good about yourself? Have a kid draw a picture of you.
If there was a pill to cure procrastination, I'd probably take it tomorrow.
You know you're old when you clean to the music you used to drink to.
Boss: You should have been here at 8 Me: Why, what happened at 8?
The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.
One person can make a difference and everyone should try. -- John F. Kennedy
To get what you want, STOP doing what isn't working. -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
Everything you can imagine is real. -- Pablo Picasso
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says "I'm possible." -- Audrey Hepburn
The most important thing is to try and inspire people so that they be great in whatever they want to do -- Kobe Bryant
Mystery creates wonder and wonder is the basis of man's desire to understand. -- Neil Armstrong
The time is always right to do what is right. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Sitting down is against everything I stand for.
Someone stole my secret Santa present. It was a copy of Microsoft Office. I will find you. You have my Word.
He gently slid her panties to one side. So the rest of her socks would fit in the drawer.
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose? Ham boogers. I know, I know...Snot funny.
I used to think adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong.
Multiple crises. Concurrently. All at once. All the time. Forever.
Remember, puns on St Patrick's day don't just shame you,
They Seamus all.
Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. - Buddah
The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed. - Nicolas Chamfort
UFOs: The reliable cases are uninteresting and the
interesting cases are unreliable. - Carl Sagan 1975
Yeah, it took a few years to get that big of a list. I used them for the same thing on the old version of the forum, except I had to do it manually whenever I wanted a new one up there. I like this version better since it's automatic every time you refresh a page.
The words of man ( or woman) never end.
The brainy humor behind this list is just one reason I miss you!
People trample over flowers, yet only to embrace a cactus.
James joyce
James joyce
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein
Shall we close this thread? NR covered nearly every quote on the planet! 
Very nice...
Here's some I just found... a bit of Confucius, some Murphy's Laws thrown in there... a couple others. Oh.. and a link to many, many more for everyone's viewing pleasure.
"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."
"They must often change who would be constant in happiness or wisdom."
"What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others."
"In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of."
"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop."
"When anger rises, think of the consequences."
"When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals; adjust the action steps."
"Faced with what is right, to leave it undone shows a lack of courage."
"To be able under all circumstances to practice five things constitutes perfect virtue; these five things are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness, and kindness."
"To see what is right, and not to do it, is want of courage or of principle."
"Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue."
"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
"Success depends upon previous preparation, and without such preparation, there is sure to be failure."
"Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire."
"Men's natures are alike, it is their habits that carry them far apart."
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."
"Hold faithfulness and sincerity as first principles."
"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand."
"Respect yourself and others will respect you."
"Silence is a true friend who never betrays."
"The superior man, when resting in safety, does not forget that danger may come. When in a state of security he does not forget the possibility of ruin. When all is orderly, he does not forget that disorder may come. Thus his person is not endangered, and his States and all their clans are preserved."
"The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential... these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence."
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without."
"Study the past if you would define the future."
"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart."
"Wisdom, compassion, and courage are the three universally recognized moral qualities of men."
"Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses."
"Have no friends not equal to yourself."
"He who exercises government by means of his virtue may be compared to the north polar star, which keeps its place and all the stars turn towards it."
"He who learns but does not think is lost! He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger."
"He who speaks without modesty will find it difficult to make his words good."
"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."
"A superior man is modest in his speech but exceeds in his actions."
"Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes."
"The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large."
"The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell."
"By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart."
"He who will not economize will have to agonize."
"When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves."
"He with whom neither slander that gradually soaks into the mind, nor statements that startle like a wound in the flesh, are successful may be called intelligent indeed."
"If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself."
"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."
"If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?"
"Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star."
"It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve, and bad things are very easy to get."
"Without feelings of respect, what is there to distinguish men from beasts?"
-Confucious
1. “I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."
—Mitch Hedberg
2. “Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.”
—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
3. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
4. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
—David Letterman
5. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
—Jack Handey
6. Bob: “Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.”
—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space
7. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
—Mark Twain
8. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
—Will Ferrell
9. “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
—Rita Rudner
10. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”
—Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day
11. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
—Erma Bombeck
12. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
—Phyllis Diller
13. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
—Ellen DeGeneres
14. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
—Anonymous
15. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld
Very nice...
Here's some I just found... a bit of Confucius, some Murphy's Laws thrown in there... a couple others. Oh.. and a link to many, many more for everyone's viewing pleasure.
"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."
"They must often change who would be constant in happiness or wisdom."
"What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others."
"In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of."
"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop."
"When anger rises, think of the consequences."
"When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals; adjust the action steps."
"Faced with what is right, to leave it undone shows a lack of courage."
"To be able under all circumstances to practice five things constitutes perfect virtue; these five things are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness, and kindness."
"To see what is right, and not to do it, is want of courage or of principle."
"Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue."
"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
"Success depends upon previous preparation, and without such preparation, there is sure to be failure."
"Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire."
"Men's natures are alike, it is their habits that carry them far apart."
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."
"Hold faithfulness and sincerity as first principles."
"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand."
"Respect yourself and others will respect you."
"Silence is a true friend who never betrays."
"The superior man, when resting in safety, does not forget that danger may come. When in a state of security he does not forget the possibility of ruin. When all is orderly, he does not forget that disorder may come. Thus his person is not endangered, and his States and all their clans are preserved."
"The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential... these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence."
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without."
"Study the past if you would define the future."
"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart."
"Wisdom, compassion, and courage are the three universally recognized moral qualities of men."
"Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses."
"Have no friends not equal to yourself."
"He who exercises government by means of his virtue may be compared to the north polar star, which keeps its place and all the stars turn towards it."
"He who learns but does not think is lost! He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger."
"He who speaks without modesty will find it difficult to make his words good."
"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."
"A superior man is modest in his speech but exceeds in his actions."
"Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes."
"The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large."
"The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell."
"By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart."
"He who will not economize will have to agonize."
"When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves."
"He with whom neither slander that gradually soaks into the mind, nor statements that startle like a wound in the flesh, are successful may be called intelligent indeed."
"If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself."
"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."
"If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?"
"Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star."
"It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve, and bad things are very easy to get."
"Without feelings of respect, what is there to distinguish men from beasts?"
-Confucious
1. “I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."
—Mitch Hedberg
2. “Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.”
—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
3. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
4. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
—David Letterman
5. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
—Jack Handey
6. Bob: “Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.”
—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space
7. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
—Mark Twain
8. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
—Will Ferrell
9. “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
—Rita Rudner
10. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”
—Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day
11. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
—Erma Bombeck
12. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
—Phyllis Diller
13. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
—Ellen DeGeneres
14. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
—Anonymous
15. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld
Code:
http://scottrainey.com/jokes/murphys_laws.htmVery vere nice list..If I am allowed I can grab some for my profile tooShall we close this thread? NR covered nearly every quote on the planet!
Very nice...
Here's some I just found... a bit of Confucius, some Murphy's Laws thrown in there... a couple others. Oh.. and a link to many, many more for everyone's viewing pleasure.
"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."
"They must often change who would be constant in happiness or wisdom."
"What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others."
"In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of."
"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop."
"When anger rises, think of the consequences."
"When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals; adjust the action steps."
"Faced with what is right, to leave it undone shows a lack of courage."
"To be able under all circumstances to practice five things constitutes perfect virtue; these five things are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness, and kindness."
"To see what is right, and not to do it, is want of courage or of principle."
"Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue."
"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
"Success depends upon previous preparation, and without such preparation, there is sure to be failure."
"Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire."
"Men's natures are alike, it is their habits that carry them far apart."
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."
"Hold faithfulness and sincerity as first principles."
"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand."
"Respect yourself and others will respect you."
"Silence is a true friend who never betrays."
"The superior man, when resting in safety, does not forget that danger may come. When in a state of security he does not forget the possibility of ruin. When all is orderly, he does not forget that disorder may come. Thus his person is not endangered, and his States and all their clans are preserved."
"The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential... these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence."
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without."
"Study the past if you would define the future."
"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart."
"Wisdom, compassion, and courage are the three universally recognized moral qualities of men."
"Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses."
"Have no friends not equal to yourself."
"He who exercises government by means of his virtue may be compared to the north polar star, which keeps its place and all the stars turn towards it."
"He who learns but does not think is lost! He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger."
"He who speaks without modesty will find it difficult to make his words good."
"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."
"A superior man is modest in his speech but exceeds in his actions."
"Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes."
"The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large."
"The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell."
"By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart."
"He who will not economize will have to agonize."
"When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves."
"He with whom neither slander that gradually soaks into the mind, nor statements that startle like a wound in the flesh, are successful may be called intelligent indeed."
"If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself."
"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."
"If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?"
"Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star."
"It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve, and bad things are very easy to get."
"Without feelings of respect, what is there to distinguish men from beasts?"
-Confucious
1. “I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."
—Mitch Hedberg
2. “Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.”
—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
3. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
4. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
—David Letterman
5. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
—Jack Handey
6. Bob: “Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.”
—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space
7. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
—Mark Twain
8. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
—Will Ferrell
9. “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
—Rita Rudner
10. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”
—Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day
11. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
—Erma Bombeck
12. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
—Phyllis Diller
13. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
—Ellen DeGeneres
14. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
—Anonymous
15. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld
Code:http://scottrainey.com/jokes/murphys_laws.htm
The PROBLEM isn't what I'M SAYING, the Problem is what YOU'RE HEARING!!
Crazy? I was crazy once, they put me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats, and the rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once....
Why do Adam and Eve both have Belly Buttons?
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
Mahatma Gandhi
You only live once
Mahatma Gandhi
You only live once
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
The only difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
The Genius of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work
Everything in the world can be absolutely magical if you’re stupid enough.
Repeating things over and over and expecting different results is the definition of fail humor.
Repeating things over and over and expecting different results is the definition of fail humor.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has it's limits
- Albert Einstein
- Albert Einstein
The difference between ethics and morals? The ethical man knows its wrong to cheat on his wife, but the moral man wouldn't
-- Dr Mallard
-- Dr Mallard
I want AI to do my laundry and dishes so that I can do art and writing, not to do my art and writing so I can do my laundry and dishes. - Joanna Maciejewska
If your absence doesn't bother them, your presence never meant anything to them.
THE ONLY REASON FOR TIME IS SO THAT EVERYTHING DOESN’T HAPPEN AT ONCE - Ray Cummings