T he devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”
Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose red)…I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again! Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.
H aving plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
I t’s weird being the same age as old people.
W hen I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
L ife is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
C hocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I t’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
N ever sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!
M y wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.
D uring the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are…
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
S o if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
I f you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I ’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
Cronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
I ’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
D on’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
I ’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
H ow many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”
Y ou don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
W e all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose red)…I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again! Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.
H aving plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
I t’s weird being the same age as old people.
W hen I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
L ife is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
C hocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I t’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
N ever sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!
M y wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.
D uring the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are…
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
S o if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
I f you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I ’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
Cronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
I ’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
D on’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
I ’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
H ow many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”
Y ou don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
W e all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.