Here are some groaners I found while surfing. If anyone has more, I would love to read them.
Every morning the Trids got up, ate breakfast, and marched over the bridge to Tridville to work. One morning, a troll moved in under the bridge. When the Trids tried to cross the bridge, the troll climbed up and kicked the Trids all the way back to their homes. The Trids decided to take the day off in hopes that the troll would go away, but the next morning the troll once again climbed up onto the bridge and kicked them back to their homes. In desperation, the Trids decided to ask the Rabbi for help. So the next morning the Rabbi walked across the bridge several times but never saw the troll. He went home believing the troll had indeed moved on. When the Trids tried to cross the bridge afterward, the troll climbed up again and kicked the Trids back home. The Rabbi returned to the bridge and called out for the troll. When the troll appeared, the Rabbi asked why he was allowed to cross the bridge but not the Trids. The troll replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs it out of the air and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater, followed by coffee. After paying for everything, she asks him to walk her home and offers to give him her phone number. Astounded, the guy says, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
By the time the man got to the vet, the dog was dead. The veterinarian said, "I'm sorry, your dog is dead." The man would not believe him, so the vet asked the man if he wanted him to do the cat test. The man said, "Oh yes, anything, try anything." At that a door opened and in walked a cat. The cat walked all the way around the table the dog was on, paused for a moment, and finally shook his head no. The vet said, "I'm sorry, we both know your poor dog is dead." Then the vet said there was one more thing he could try. He said he would bring in the Labrador, and the man eagerly agreed. The Labrador did the same as the cat, shook his head and walked out. The man said, "Well I guess I just have to accept this, what do I owe you?" The vet told him the total would be $550. The man just lost it. Incredulous, he demanded, "For what? He was dead when I brought him in!" The vet said, "Well you only owe me $50, but it's $300 for the cat scan and $200 for the Lab test."
A frog goes into a bank and hops over to the loan officer's desk. He jumps up onto the chair and says to the officer, "Hi, what is your name?" The officer says, "You can call me Mr. Padewak. What can I do for you?" The frog replies, "I want a loan." "OK," says Mr.Padewak, "let's fill out a loan application. What is your name?" "Kermit," the frog says, "Kermit Jagger." "Oh, any relation to Mick Jagger?" Padewak asks. "Yeah, he's my Dad!" answers the frog. "Wow," says Padewak. "Do you have any collateral?" "Yes, I do," and the frog reaches into his pocket and pulls out a big, bright pink, ceramic elephant. He places it on the desk in front of Padewak. Padewak scratches his head and says, "Excuse me for a moment." He then walks into the bank manager's office with the loan application and the elephant in hand. Padewak says, "Uh, sir, there is this frog out there who wants a loan." He hands the manager the application. "He brought this, this...uh, well, I don't know what it is, for collateral!" He puts the shiny pink elephant on the manager's desk. "What should I do?" The bank manager stands up and shouts, "It's a knick-knack, Padewak, give the frog a loan!! His old man's a Rolling Stone!!!!!!"
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Every morning the Trids got up, ate breakfast, and marched over the bridge to Tridville to work. One morning, a troll moved in under the bridge. When the Trids tried to cross the bridge, the troll climbed up and kicked the Trids all the way back to their homes. The Trids decided to take the day off in hopes that the troll would go away, but the next morning the troll once again climbed up onto the bridge and kicked them back to their homes. In desperation, the Trids decided to ask the Rabbi for help. So the next morning the Rabbi walked across the bridge several times but never saw the troll. He went home believing the troll had indeed moved on. When the Trids tried to cross the bridge afterward, the troll climbed up again and kicked the Trids back home. The Rabbi returned to the bridge and called out for the troll. When the troll appeared, the Rabbi asked why he was allowed to cross the bridge but not the Trids. The troll replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs it out of the air and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater, followed by coffee. After paying for everything, she asks him to walk her home and offers to give him her phone number. Astounded, the guy says, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
By the time the man got to the vet, the dog was dead. The veterinarian said, "I'm sorry, your dog is dead." The man would not believe him, so the vet asked the man if he wanted him to do the cat test. The man said, "Oh yes, anything, try anything." At that a door opened and in walked a cat. The cat walked all the way around the table the dog was on, paused for a moment, and finally shook his head no. The vet said, "I'm sorry, we both know your poor dog is dead." Then the vet said there was one more thing he could try. He said he would bring in the Labrador, and the man eagerly agreed. The Labrador did the same as the cat, shook his head and walked out. The man said, "Well I guess I just have to accept this, what do I owe you?" The vet told him the total would be $550. The man just lost it. Incredulous, he demanded, "For what? He was dead when I brought him in!" The vet said, "Well you only owe me $50, but it's $300 for the cat scan and $200 for the Lab test."
A frog goes into a bank and hops over to the loan officer's desk. He jumps up onto the chair and says to the officer, "Hi, what is your name?" The officer says, "You can call me Mr. Padewak. What can I do for you?" The frog replies, "I want a loan." "OK," says Mr.Padewak, "let's fill out a loan application. What is your name?" "Kermit," the frog says, "Kermit Jagger." "Oh, any relation to Mick Jagger?" Padewak asks. "Yeah, he's my Dad!" answers the frog. "Wow," says Padewak. "Do you have any collateral?" "Yes, I do," and the frog reaches into his pocket and pulls out a big, bright pink, ceramic elephant. He places it on the desk in front of Padewak. Padewak scratches his head and says, "Excuse me for a moment." He then walks into the bank manager's office with the loan application and the elephant in hand. Padewak says, "Uh, sir, there is this frog out there who wants a loan." He hands the manager the application. "He brought this, this...uh, well, I don't know what it is, for collateral!" He puts the shiny pink elephant on the manager's desk. "What should I do?" The bank manager stands up and shouts, "It's a knick-knack, Padewak, give the frog a loan!! His old man's a Rolling Stone!!!!!!"
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
