When one door closes and another door opens, you're probably in prison.
A
Age 50 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sounds.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that'll freak you out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
A
Age 50 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sounds.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that'll freak you out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.