nice one ..Good to have concerned Dad 
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Father Murphy: “We’ve paid the waiter.”Rabbi Goldberg: “...And he still owes us five quid and a mint.”
You just know the waiter went to the back like, “Uhhh... Father McSmooth and Rabbi Hustle out front are working some Jedi mind tricks again.”
Seriously though, I’d absolutely watch a sitcom called “Father & Rabbi” — just them outwitting society one free dinner and awkward holy encounter at a time
You just know the waiter went to the back like, “Uhhh... Father McSmooth and Rabbi Hustle out front are working some Jedi mind tricks again.”
Seriously though, I’d absolutely watch a sitcom called “Father & Rabbi” — just them outwitting society one free dinner and awkward holy encounter at a time
Honestly, Sean’s Pub needs to be declared a national treasure. Or at least a UNESCO site for budget travelers and thrifty drinkers. 
Once upon a time there was a prince who talked too much. He would just talk and talk and talk without ever listening. His fairy godmother got so fed up that she cast a spell that meant he could only speak a single word each year. If he didn’t speak for the entire year, the following year he could say two words.
One day the prince fell in love with a beautiful princess from a neighbouring realm. He waited a whole year just to be able to say her name. But by then he was deeply in love, so he refrained from speaking for three more years so he could tell her he loved her. But by the time the three years were up he decided he wanted to marry her, so he waited for four more years.
Finally, after eight years, he took her to the most romantic spot in the kingdom, got down on one knee and said, “Eleanor, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the princess said, “Pardon?”
One day the prince fell in love with a beautiful princess from a neighbouring realm. He waited a whole year just to be able to say her name. But by then he was deeply in love, so he refrained from speaking for three more years so he could tell her he loved her. But by the time the three years were up he decided he wanted to marry her, so he waited for four more years.
Finally, after eight years, he took her to the most romantic spot in the kingdom, got down on one knee and said, “Eleanor, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the princess said, “Pardon?”
A Girl Guide offered to mow the lawn for a poor old man who lived in her village. When she arrived at his house, the man was so grateful he invited her in for a cup of tea and a cookie.
As she ate her cookie, the girl noticed a shiny substance coating her plate. When the old man saw her staring at it, he said, “Sorry, dear, it’s as clean as cold water could get it.”
When she’d finished mowing the lawn the old man invited her in again for a sandwich. This time, she noticed, not only was there a shiny substance, it also had hard patches of dried egg on it.
“I’m so sorry,” the old man said again. “It’s as clean as cold water could get it.”
The girl smiled politely and finished her sandwich. When she went to leave, an old dog, that had been asleep on its bed, stood up and blocked the doorway, its teeth bared as it growled at her.
The man waved his walking stick at the dog. Then he shouted, “Cold Water … get back in your basket!”
As she ate her cookie, the girl noticed a shiny substance coating her plate. When the old man saw her staring at it, he said, “Sorry, dear, it’s as clean as cold water could get it.”
When she’d finished mowing the lawn the old man invited her in again for a sandwich. This time, she noticed, not only was there a shiny substance, it also had hard patches of dried egg on it.
“I’m so sorry,” the old man said again. “It’s as clean as cold water could get it.”
The girl smiled politely and finished her sandwich. When she went to leave, an old dog, that had been asleep on its bed, stood up and blocked the doorway, its teeth bared as it growled at her.
The man waved his walking stick at the dog. Then he shouted, “Cold Water … get back in your basket!”
Now that’s one loyal dish-cleaner! I’ll be thinking twice next time someone tells me their dishes are ‘as clean as cold water can get! 
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland it was found
that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied
'Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital'
that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied
'Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital'
Somewhere out there, an IT guy is still recovering from that audit report like:
"Technically… he’s not wrong
."
"Technically… he’s not wrong
."
Absolutely brutal! Eight years of romantic build-up... foiled by poor acoustics.That fairy godmother didn’t just teach him a lesson in listening — she accidentally taught him the dangers of proposing without a megaphone!
Next time: project from the diaphragm, Your Royal Muteness.
Two vicars are talking on the street
"my bicycle was stolen from outside the church""have you thought about the police?
"I don't think the police would do a thing like that.. I'm joking, it was probably one of the churchgoers"
"I have an idea. In your next sermon, read out the ten commandments. when you get to, 'thou shalt not steal', have a quick look into the audience. Anyone with a red face is likely to be your thief."
A couple days later they bump into each other again.
The second asks, "did my plan work? Did you find the thief"
"actually it did, I was reading through the ten commandments and when I got to, 'thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I'd left it
The mother-in-law went to a Tom Jones concert the other day.
The female fans were throwing their underwear on stage.
Tom was mopping his brow with them and throwing them back into the audience.
The mother-in-law threw hers on stage.
They smothered the band.
The female fans were throwing their underwear on stage.
Tom was mopping his brow with them and throwing them back into the audience.
The mother-in-law threw hers on stage.
They smothered the band.
Patrick and Michael were the best of friends. One day they decided to go bicycling, but when they got to the rental shop, all that was left was a tandem. They decided to take it anyway, and Patrick got on in front. They rode for a while down the scenic country roads until they came to a steep hill.
They stopped and looked up. “Begorrah, that’s the tallest hill In all Ireland!” exclaimed Patrick. “It is, so it is” replied Michael “We’ll have our work cut out for us, sure.” And so they started up the hill, each pedalling as hard as he could. Soon the sweat was pouring off and they were gasping for breath. “Faith, this is a steep hill” gasped Patrick. “It is, so it is” exclaimed Michael, and they pedaled even harder.
At last they reached the top, and stopped to catch their breath. “Saints preserve us, that was the steepest, tallest and hardest hill in all Ireland!” said Patrick. “It was, so it was” said Michael. “and if I hadn’t kept the brakes on we’d have rolled right back down!”
They stopped and looked up. “Begorrah, that’s the tallest hill In all Ireland!” exclaimed Patrick. “It is, so it is” replied Michael “We’ll have our work cut out for us, sure.” And so they started up the hill, each pedalling as hard as he could. Soon the sweat was pouring off and they were gasping for breath. “Faith, this is a steep hill” gasped Patrick. “It is, so it is” exclaimed Michael, and they pedaled even harder.
At last they reached the top, and stopped to catch their breath. “Saints preserve us, that was the steepest, tallest and hardest hill in all Ireland!” said Patrick. “It was, so it was” said Michael. “and if I hadn’t kept the brakes on we’d have rolled right back down!”
Went to my sons house.
Bit bored. Got up out of the sitting room chair and into the kitchen to see him.
"Have you got a newspaper?"
"Newspaper? get modern Dad, we get the news online nowadays!" and he handed me his tablet.
Later on he came in asked me what I thought about using the tablet.
"It's really good! I tell you that fly didn't stand a chance!"
Bit bored. Got up out of the sitting room chair and into the kitchen to see him.
"Have you got a newspaper?"
"Newspaper? get modern Dad, we get the news online nowadays!" and he handed me his tablet.
Later on he came in asked me what I thought about using the tablet.
"It's really good! I tell you that fly didn't stand a chance!"
A man went into an antiques shop to buy a table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted, and asked for the price.
"£2,000, sir"
"Never!" exclaimed the man, "that's unbelievably expensive."
"That's true," replied the assistant, "but this is not just any table. This piece of furniture has special powers."
"Go on, prove it," said the man.
The assistant went up to the table and said, "How many floors are there in this building?"
Immediately, the table jumped into the air four times, and indeed there were four floors in the building.
The man wasn't completely convinced. "OK, ask it how much money I've got in my wallet."
The question was asked and the table jumped up eleven times.
"That's incredible," said the man, "It's true, I've got two £5 notes and a £1 coin. I must have that table."
So the man paid the £2,000 and the antique table was delivered the next day.
While it was being installed, his mate popped over and remarked on the new piece of furniture.
"It's very special," said the man. "Here, I'll show you."
He thought for a moment and then said, "How much money has my wife got in her bank account?"
The table went completely berserk. It started jumping up and down and was still going 10 minutes later.
Flabbergasted he said, "But how can that be? Where did she get all that money?"
The table stopped moving, its legs slid apart and its drawers fell to the floor.
"£2,000, sir"
"Never!" exclaimed the man, "that's unbelievably expensive."
"That's true," replied the assistant, "but this is not just any table. This piece of furniture has special powers."
"Go on, prove it," said the man.
The assistant went up to the table and said, "How many floors are there in this building?"
Immediately, the table jumped into the air four times, and indeed there were four floors in the building.
The man wasn't completely convinced. "OK, ask it how much money I've got in my wallet."
The question was asked and the table jumped up eleven times.
"That's incredible," said the man, "It's true, I've got two £5 notes and a £1 coin. I must have that table."
So the man paid the £2,000 and the antique table was delivered the next day.
While it was being installed, his mate popped over and remarked on the new piece of furniture.
"It's very special," said the man. "Here, I'll show you."
He thought for a moment and then said, "How much money has my wife got in her bank account?"
The table went completely berserk. It started jumping up and down and was still going 10 minutes later.
Flabbergasted he said, "But how can that be? Where did she get all that money?"
The table stopped moving, its legs slid apart and its drawers fell to the floor.
Imagine asking it, ‘How many people she said ‘I love you’ to?
That table saw more drama than a reality TV show
That table saw more drama than a reality TV show
Fly got digitally deleted
And that, folks, is why they’re best friends. No one else would’ve tolerated it
The band wasn’t ready for aerial combat!
That sermon really unlocked something
Case closed. No weapon found
That bio is 100% fact-checked
Keep your eyes on the road and hands on the steering wheel says your Mrs. 
The poor guy. My heart goes out to him. 
Two men were playing a round golf, one of the men was just about to make his golf swing when he noticed a large funeral group passing by on a nearby road. The man took a step back from his ball, closed his eyes and said a quick prayer.
His playing partner said, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever witnessed.” “Well”, the other guy said “I was married to her for 30 years.
His playing partner said, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever witnessed.” “Well”, the other guy said “I was married to her for 30 years.
A man was practising at the range working on his swing.
A retired golf pro was sitting there and started offering him advice
"you are standing too close the ball".
The man adjusts his stance and takes another swing.
The golf pro looks up to him and repeats the same thing
"you are standing too close to the ball."
The man steps back a bit more and takes another swing.
This goes on for another 7 swings with the pro offering the same advice over and over.
Eventually, the frustrated man screams out "What the bloody helI are you talking about man!"
The old golf pro says, "no no no, you are standing too close to the ball AFTER you have hit it .
A retired golf pro was sitting there and started offering him advice
"you are standing too close the ball".
The man adjusts his stance and takes another swing.
The golf pro looks up to him and repeats the same thing
"you are standing too close to the ball."
The man steps back a bit more and takes another swing.
This goes on for another 7 swings with the pro offering the same advice over and over.
Eventually, the frustrated man screams out "What the bloody helI are you talking about man!"
The old golf pro says, "no no no, you are standing too close to the ball AFTER you have hit it .
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.
A man walks into a bar, and it's empty - it's just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink. He hears someone whisper, "Pssst...I like your tie." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone. "Pssst...that color looks nice on you." He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but...are you speaking to me?" The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary