Poor Bert! Maybe next time he’ll think twice about his fashion choices. Margaret sure knows how to keep him grounded. Who knew cowboy boots could lead to such a showdown? Should've bought a hat, indeed!
Sticky Fun Mega Thread
- Thread starter somancky
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The scout had everyone thinking he was using some mystical skill, but he was just using good old common sense and observation.
lol bert defo bad clothes sence hehe, should let the wife choose is clothes maybe
Nothing like true skill
If only that was all it took. Doctors would be out of business.
hahaha lol aint that for sure who need a dr again
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf
Good Present
Clever Man
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
Well, Totally understandable.
An old man living alone in the country wanted to dig his
potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only
son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. He wrote a letter to his
son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be
over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's
where I buried the bodies!
Love,
Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police who had been monitoring Fred's letters all the while
arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received
another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I
could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred
potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only
son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. He wrote a letter to his
son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be
over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's
where I buried the bodies!
Love,
Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police who had been monitoring Fred's letters all the while
arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received
another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I
could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?
Pappu:My internet is not working properly..o Officer:Ok, Double click on “My computer” Pappu:I can’t see ur computer.. Officer:No no.. click on “My computer” on ur computer.. Pappu:How can I click on ur computer from my computer?.. Officer:listen.. There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on ur computer.. Ok. double click on it.. Pappu:what the hell, what is your computer doing on my computer..??? Officer
ouble click on ur computer.. Pappu:On which Icon i’ve to click.. Officer:“My Computer”.. Pappu:…Oh u Idiot…… Tell me where is ur office…I’ll come there and click on ur “Computer.
ouble click on ur computer.. Pappu:On which Icon i’ve to click.. Officer:“My Computer”.. Pappu:…Oh u Idiot…… Tell me where is ur office…I’ll come there and click on ur “Computer.
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The dam fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The dam fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
Farmer catches a duck hunter trying to climb over his fence that has a clearly marked posted sign.
Farmer: What you doin' son?
Hunter: The duck I shot landed on your property I'm going to retrieve it.
Farmer: Well, if that duck's on my property, it's my duck.
Hunter: Yes, but I shot it, so it's mine.
Farmer: Out here in the country we have a way of resolving conflicts like this. I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts…and we keep gong back and forth. Last man standing gets to keep the duck.
Hunter: O.K., old man…let's do it.
The farmer kicks the hunter in the nuts as hard as he can. The hunter doubles over in pain, but gets back up after a few minutes, clearly in pain.
Hunter: O.K., now it's my turn.
Farmer: Naw, never mind. You can have the duck.
Farmer: What you doin' son?
Hunter: The duck I shot landed on your property I'm going to retrieve it.
Farmer: Well, if that duck's on my property, it's my duck.
Hunter: Yes, but I shot it, so it's mine.
Farmer: Out here in the country we have a way of resolving conflicts like this. I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts…and we keep gong back and forth. Last man standing gets to keep the duck.
Hunter: O.K., old man…let's do it.
The farmer kicks the hunter in the nuts as hard as he can. The hunter doubles over in pain, but gets back up after a few minutes, clearly in pain.
Hunter: O.K., now it's my turn.
Farmer: Naw, never mind. You can have the duck.
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“I will tell you the secret of my success,” he said.
“I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
“I will tell you the secret of my success,” he said.
“I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
A husband and wife were sitting at the dining room table. The wife was trying to tell a story over breakfast but couldn’t remember a key detail. Eventually she gave up and went back to drinking her coffee.
“Oh God,” she sighed. “I’m convinced my mind is almost completely gone!”
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented: “I’m not surprised. You’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!
“Oh God,” she sighed. “I’m convinced my mind is almost completely gone!”
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented: “I’m not surprised. You’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!
A woman is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson at the supermarket.
He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits – all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long … easy boy.”
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. The grandad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”
“Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I am William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.
He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits – all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long … easy boy.”
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. The grandad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”
“Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I am William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.
A gentleman entered a busy florist shop displaying a large sign that read: “Say It With Flowers.”
“Wrap up one rose,” he told the florist.
“Only one?” the florist asked.
“Just one,” the customer replied. “I’m a man of few words
“Wrap up one rose,” he told the florist.
“Only one?” the florist asked.
“Just one,” the customer replied. “I’m a man of few words
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you." After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, how can we help you sir?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, Sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, but cant find any marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" said his best friend "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" his best friend asked "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!" his best friend replied
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fricking Chihuahua?"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. At one point in the discussion, the teacher remarked that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow an entire human being because
…even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small."But the whale swallowed Jonah," the little girl insisted.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible, she said.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him.
A teacher is explaining biology to her third grade students. She says “human beings are the only creatures that stutter.” A girl raised her hand, saying “I once had a kitty cat that stuttered.”
The teacher knowing how precious how some of these stories were asked the girl to describe the incident.“Well” she began, “I was in the backyard with my kitty , and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it has jumped the fence into our yard!”
The teacher exclaimed “oh that must have been scary!”
The girl said “it sure was! My kitty raised her back and said sssss, ssssss, sssssss, and before she could say shit the rottweiler ate her!”
Not funny really is it ?