Doctor Patient...what a joke

[uncledude]

Doctor: i'm sorry to have to tell you that you were in a terrible car crash last night.
Patient: tell me what happened
Doctor: we operated on you all night, and i have some good news and some bad news.
Patient: tell me Doc what is the bad news
Doctor: we couldn't save your legs so we had to amputate both legs
Patient: OOOOOOHHHH no what could possibly be the Good news?




Doctor: the guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes

 

[somancky]

Hahahaha

 

[Edna]

Doctor: The good news is that the patient in the next bed wants to buy your sneakers!

 

[twncam]

Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

Doctor: “Is this her first child?”

Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”

 

[Edna]

Doctor: "My apologies, sir. Let's get her to the delivery room immediately!

 

[twncam]

Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”

Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”

Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”

Patient: “24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?”

Spoiler

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

 

[GOrwell]

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“OK,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

 

[uncledude]

- A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Henny Youngman

 

[GOrwell]

After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called
a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm.
He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.”

 

[uncledude]

my doctor told me Beer contains Estrogen...​

When I drink enough, I can't drive or shut the hell up.

 

[somancky]

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, “Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies, “No, I’m afraid to.”

 

[GOrwell]

A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. The doctor asks, “How often do you pass gas?” and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour. The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, “What are you going to do with that, Doc?”
The doctor replies, “I’m going to open some windows.”

 

[Edna]

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!" The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you...".

The man insists, "No, really, it's a problem. I wake up in the middle of the night to check my notifications, and I can't stop tweeting during the day."

The doctor thinks for a moment and then says, "I think I understand your problem. It sounds like you might have 'tweeter's thumb' and 'social media insomnia.'"

The man asks, "Is there a cure, Doc?"

The doctor smiles and says, "Yes, there is. It's called a book. Try reading one before bed, and if you still can't sleep, I'll follow you on Twitter!"

 

[somancky]

One day, a woman walks into a doctor’s office.
She has a cucumber in her nose, a carrot in her left ear, and a banana in her right ear.

“What’s wrong with me?” she asks the doctor.

“You’re not eating properly,” he replies.

 

[Edna]

 

[GOrwell]

My friend and his rock band were playing a concert at the psychiatric hospital where he worked as a musical therapist. The audience was a little too quiet for his taste, so the guitarist decided to do something about it. He grabbed the microphone, pointed to the group and yelled, “Are you ready to get a little crazy?”

 

[somancky]

My wife asked me to play doctor with her.

She’s now waiting for three hours outside the bedroom.

 

[somancky]

This woman’s husband had been ill in hospital for several months. He kept slipping in and out of a coma but she remained faithfully by his bedside every single day.

Then one day, when he woke from his coma, he motioned for her to come nearer to him.

As she moved closer and sat beside him, with eyes filling with tears he whispered into her ear, “You know what? You’ve been with me through all the tough times. When I got fired from my job, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there for me. When I got shot, you were by my side all the time. When we lost the house, you stayed right here with me. And even when my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear,” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, her eyes welling with tears.

He said, “I think you’re bad luck…”

 

[uncledude]

i was in the hospital for 4 days, when the DR came in i said i need him to contact my oncologist. he said it's the weekend and they don't work on the weekend.
i asked him if he knew what an answering service was.
he said yes.

i then told him to get the F out of my room and i called them myself.

i wish this was a joke.

sidenote: this is not a joke. it actually did happen yesterday

 

[somancky]

A man goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, you gotta help me. I think I’m a moth!” The doctor says, “You don’t need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist.” The man replies, “I know, but I was passing by, and I saw your light on.