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Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action

Dr Pickles

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With Staff's permission, I will use this Thread to post some Darwin Awards on a Daily/Weekly basis.

This is NOT the Thread for discussion of Evolution vs Creationism. If you want to discuss that - go start your own Thread!


SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

Most of us know instinctively that the phrase “trust me, light this fuse” is a recipe for disaster. Darwin Award winners do not. Most of us have a basic common sense that eliminates the need for public service announcements such as, WARNING: COFFEE IS HOT! Darwin Award winners do not. The following stories show that common sense is really not so common.
 
DARWIN AWARD: IN A PIG’S EYE

DARWIN AWARD: IN A PIG’S EYE
Confirmed by Darwin
4 JULY 1991

Three Eaton men died from a fatally flawed plan on the evening of July 4. James, Billy, and Ashley were killed after their blue Ford pickup rolled over on Country Road 24. Hogs and alcohol were contributing factors to the accident. “We found several beer cans in and around the scene,” said Sheriff Andrew Watson. The driver had a blood alcohol content twice the legal limit.

The events unfolded as follows:
The three men spent the national holiday drinking. Later that evening they were struck with a sudden craving for pork chops. “They were popping off fireworks when Jimmy said they ought to go get some eats,” reported Billy’s girlfriend, Emma. At 11:00 P.M. they drove ten miles to a pig farm, intent on stealing a hog and satisfying that craving for pork chops.

One of the men scaled the fence and tied the end of a rope to a plump quadruped. The other two men started pulling on the four-hundred-pound beast. The stress of a struggling hog was too much for the six-foot chain link fence, and a fourteen-foot section collapsed loudly, startling the other hogs into a stampede.

“I was asleep when I heard this godawful noise,” explained the owner of the farm. “I run out of the house with my shotgun and shot off both barrels in the air, and yelled at them to go get on out.”

The friends loaded up their stolen pig in a hurry, tied the rope to the truck, and sped down the county road in excess of ninety miles per hour. Unfortunately they forgot to buckle their seat belts. The pig, on the other hand, was strapped in by its leash.

Three miles down the road, the animal began making a commotion in the back of the pickup truck, causing the vehicle to careen wildly. The swerving lurches threw the pig from the back of the truck, and it was dragged along the dirt road for about half a mile.

Distracted by the commotion and impeded by the friction of the pig, the driver hit a soft shoulder and rolled the truck forty feet, ejecting all three men from the vehicle and killing them. The victims were discovered at 5:00 A.M. by a passing motorist.

Police caution motorists to drive sensibly on dirt roads, wear seat belts, and refrain from drinking while driving.

The pig lived.

Reference: Eaton Express Weekly
 
DARWIN AWARD: KILLER WHALE RODEO
1999 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed by Darwin

6 JULY 1999, FLORIDA
A naked man was found dead on the back of a killer whale at SeaWorld in Orlando, a victim of drowning or hypothermia in the fifty-five-degree water. “There were no obvious signs of trauma. He wasn’t chewed or dismembered,” the sheriff’s office said. The body had scrapes on it, possibly signifying that the victim had been dragged along the bottom of the tank.

Is a man who swims with Orcas worthy of a Darwin Award? Clues from his bizarre history may help us decide.

He was identified as a marijuana-smoking drifter named Daniel.

Hare Krishna priest Paul Seaur shared insights into Daniel’s personality, gleaned during his month with the community of six worshipers. He had a great love of nature, writing in his journal and feeding wild birds in the temple garden. However, Daniel had difficulty adjusting to the religion’s 4:00 A.M. wake-up time, dietary prohibitions, and abstinence from liquor, drugs, sex, and gambling. He preferred to dodge work and meditate in the chapel listening to heavy metal music.

Daniel unexpectedly announced that he was taking a vow of silence, which puzzled the Hare Krishnas since their religion does not urge its members to be silent. He left abruptly in the spring, breaking his vow long enough to say, “I want to be free. I want to travel around.”

During his travels Daniel left a string of petty offenses throughout South Carolina, Washington, Texas, and Florida. Just days before his death, he had completed a three-day sentence in the Indian River County Jail for stealing a 3Musketeers candy bar from 7-Eleven. He resumed his vow of silence in court. “The suspect could not speak,” a Vero Beach officer reported, “so instead he used paper and pen to deny the charge.”

Three days after his release, our intrepid stoner gained admittance to SeaWorld and loitered near the whale pools until the 10:00 P.M. closing, evading the twenty-four-hour security. After stripping to his bathing trunks, he scaled a three-foot Plexiglas barrier, crossed a short stone wall, and climbed into Tillikum’s frigid enclosure using the steps ringing the eighty-by-one-hundred-foot pool.

An employee spotted Daniel’s nude form draped just below Tillikum’s dorsal fin at 7:35 A.M. the next morning. His swimming shorts were found elsewhere in the tank. Tillikum apparently tried to remove the shorts with his razor-sharp teeth, the medical examiner said.

The nature lover left few clues about his state of mind when he decided to commune with a carnivore the size of a bus. A joint was nestled inside his pile of clothes, but no admission ticket to SeaWorld could be found. Anonymous park workers made a surprise announcement that this was not the first time Daniel had communed with sea mammals. Two years before, they recalled, he had jumped into the manatee tank, which is filled with warmer water and less aggressive creatures.

Notes about Tillikum the killer whale:
The eight-year-old mammal is the largest killer whale in captivity, at twenty-two feet and eleven thousand pounds. He was appraised at $1.5 million when purchased by Sea-World in 1991, where he joined thirteen other killer whales. He was considered dangerous, as he was never trained for human contact. Biologists say he probably played with Daniel like a toy, without realizing that he was a fragile human being.

This is not Tillikum’s first encounter with death. He and two other whales were involved in the drowning of a trainer in Victoria, British Columbia, in 1991. She fell into the whale tank at the SeaLand Marine Park and was dragged beneath the surface to her watery demise.

Tillikum is a fecund marine predator, the sire of four calves born during his breeding stay in Florida. In a comparison between Tillikum and Daniel, it’s clear who is higher on the evolutionary scale.

Reference: Sarasota Herald-Tribune, St. Petersburg Times, Chicago Tribune, Orlando Sentinel, CNN

More Notes about Tillikum the killer whale:
On February 24, 2010, Tilikum was involved in a third incident when he killed Dawn Brancheau, a 40-year-old female trainer. The trainer was drowned after a "Dine with Shamu" show. At least a dozen patrons witnessed Dawn in the water with Tilikum; however, it is unclear how many patrons witnessed enough of the incident to understand at the time that it was out of the ordinary. Employees used nets and threw food at Tilikum in an attempt to distract him.

Moving from pool to pool in the complex, they eventually directed Tilikum to a smaller, medical pool, where it would be easier to calm him. He subsequently released Brancheau's body. A SeaWorld executive, witnesses and video footage from right before the attack confirm that Dawn was lying with her face next to Tilikum's on a slide-out (a platform submerged about a foot into water). SeaWorld said the trainer was pulled into the water by her ponytail and that it may have got caught in Tilikum's teeth, it may have also been confused for a toy, or confused for a fish, because she was holding a fish and may have touched her hair afterwards, leaving the scent. However, some witnesses to the incident claimed that the trainer was pulled into the water by her arm. Brancheau's autopsy indicated death by drowning and blunt force trauma. The autopsy noted that her spinal cord was severed and she sustained fractures to her jawbone, ribs and a cervical vertebra.

On August 23, 2010, the park was fined US$75,000 by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) for three safety violations, two directly related to Brancheau's death. SeaWorld issued a statement that called OSHA's findings "unfounded". Although Scott Brancheau, the widower, hired a Chicago law firm that specializes in wrongful-death litigation, he has not taken any legal action against SeaWorld
 
DARWIN AWARD: PLAYING WITH CATS
1996 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed by Darwin
2 JANUARY 1996, INDIA

One man was killed at the Calcutta Zoo, and another mauled, when the pair crossed a moat circling a tiger enclosure to put garlands of flowers around the big cat’s neck. The attack triggered panic and a near stampede in the zoo.

Prakesh and Suresh, devotees of the goddess Durga, were drinking when they decided to worship the tiger with their innovative adaptation of a religious New Year’s greeting. Shiva, a thirteen-year-old Royal Bengal tiger, was not in favor of the plan. He attacked Suresh when the man tossed floral tribute around his neck. Alarmed, Prakesh kicked the tiger in the face to distract him. The tiger obligingly released Suresh and killed Prakesh instead.

“I was shocked to see two young men weaving about in front of a tiger with garlands in their hands,” said witness Rakesh Banerjee. “I saw it all. The tiger turned and jumped on the young man, and within moments, the man’s head was dangling.”

Reference: Kunal Sen Gupta, Calcutta, India
 
HUNGRY PYTHON KILLS OWNERS
Confirmed by Darwin
11 OCTOBER 1996, NEW YORK

If you let a twelve-foot python roam free in your home, you stand a good chance of qualifying for a Darwin Award.

A man was crushed to death by his pet python after failing to keep the snake properly satiated with food. Grant, nineteen, was found unconscious in a small pool of blood, tightly wrapped in a twelve-foot Burmese python (Molorus bivattatus) named Damien. The hungry snake had been fed only a single dead chicken one week prior to the event.

At the time of the attack Grant was preparing to feed Damien a live chicken. Herpetologists speculate that the young man forgot to wash the smell of chicken from his hands. It is also possible that the peckish python simply opted for larger prey. When on the brink of a kill the Burmese python can move with deadly speed, and few creatures can elude its grasp.

Wrapped in python, Grant staggered into the hallway to summon help, where he collapsed. Paramedics summoned the strength of body and mind to uncoil the forty-five pound, five-inch-thick reptile, and hurl it into an adjacent room. They rushed the victim to the hospital, where he died.

Grant and his brother kept a number of snakes, many uncaged, in their Bronx flat. The dead man’s mother, Carmelita, had tried to persuade her son to abandon his hobby, to no avail. “I begged him to get rid of the python. I even threatened to call the police.”

Captain Thomas Kelly, from the Forty-sixth Precinct, said: “It looks accidental. Grant may have suspected that his familiarity with Damien placed him above danger, but a hungry python does not quibble about such niceties.”

Damien was fed and caged at an animal control center, where he awaited an uncertain fate.

Reference: Times of London, New York Times, Los Angeles Times
 
DARWIN AWARD: POISONOUS PETS
Confirmed by Darwin
JUNE 1999, DELAWARE

Fifteen venomous snakes were found in the vicinity of a decomposed body in Stanton. A neighbor’s complaints about the smell led the discovery of eight rattlesnakes, two cobras, and the three-day-old corpse.

The forty-five-year-old owner of the reptiles was found ten feet from the open cage of a young diamondback rattler. Apparently the man was feeding the snake when he was fatally bitten. Residents of the adjacent apartments were evacuated by the Delaware Animal Rescue team while a search was conducted for missing vipers.

Neighbors said they had had no idea that the weird loner kept poisonous snakes. The SPCA notes that it is legal to keep deadly snakes, provided you apply for a permit.

Reference: MSNBC.com, Channel 10 News
 
DARWIN AWARD: SNAKE CHARMER?
Unconfirmed by Darwin
MAY 1999, THAILAND

A man known for his snake-catching and -charming skills was called to a neighbor’s home for an emergency exorcism of a python, which had invaded their dwelling. The middleaged man rushed into the house in the northern province of Uttaradit, and emerged shortly thereafter holding the snake victoriously aloft in a burlap sack.

He was walking home with the snake when villagers ran into him, heard his bragging story, and asked to see the python. He pulled the snake from the sack and boldly wrapped it around his neck. The wild python, a five-footlong coil of solid muscle, constricted around him and began to strangle him.

He screamed for help in vain, for the petrified villagers were afraid to approach the serpent. Within minutes he fell to the ground dead. Local policemen forcibly unwrapped the snake from his neck and placed it in captivity.

Reference: Reuters
 
DARWIN AWARD: BURMESE PYTHON
Unconfirmed by Darwin
1999, NEVADA

A man was found dead in his Nevada residence, the victim of strangulation by his fifteen-foot Burmese python.

The man was handling his pet when the snake mistook his hand for dinner, clamped its jaws around it, and began constricting around his arm and body in an attempt to quell the spasms of its thrashing prey. As the snake began to engulf his hand and arm, the man instructed his hysterical wife, who was too frightened to approach the snake, to call 911. But the authorities arrived too late. The snake had already constricted around its owner’s chest and squeezed him breathless.

One wonders whether the snake owner used his free arm to flip the bird to his squeamish wife before he died.
 
Boy, I'm getting tired of fools and their snakes.

DARWIN AWARD: WHAT’S NEW, PUSSYCAT?
Confirmed by Darwin
MAY 1999, SPAIN

Two German tourists were enjoying their last day of vacation at Safari Park, a wild game park in Alicante. The Safari Park is a controlled reserve hosting a variety of wild animals living in natural habitats. Visitors driving through the park are cautioned not to open the windows, and to remain within their vehicle at all times. Frequent warning signs are posted in many languages, including German.

While driving through a tiger grotto, Willhelm and his companion parked the car, emerged from it for reasons that are unclear, and locked the doors behind them. They were soon set upon by three Bengal tigers lurking in the nearby brush. The big cats, two males and a female ten to twelve years old, pounced on the unfortunate couple, breaking their necks and quickly silencing their screams.

Security guards rushed to the scene to find the woman beheaded and the man disemboweled.

Reference: Europe Press
 
DARWIN AWARD: WILD ANIMAL LESSON
Confirmed by Darwin
NOVEMBER 1999, SINGAPORE

A busful of excited children can drive anyone to the brink of madness. Perhaps the actions of one bus driver can be explained by his proximity to a herd of shrieking kids.

Xu, forty-one, was one of thirteen tour drivers hired to escort a school tour through the Shanghai World Animals Park. His bus unexpectedly broke down as the convoy passed through a fenced tiger enclosure. You can imagine the hubbub this would cause among a group of students on a wild animal adventure. Needless to say, the park rules clearly forbid leaving the safety of the vehicle, particularly in the tiger grotto.

I can imagine a circumstance in which such a breakdown would be cause for panic. For instance, if you sneak into the park just before it closes, in a convertible with a flimsy cloth covering, accompanied by a date who is eating a rare steak—then waiting in the vehicle for rescue from the tigers would not be an attractive option. But a bus that is part of a convoy of schoolchildren is not in imminent danger of being abandoned to the tigers. Xu must have realized that help would come swiftly.

But instead of waiting inside, besieged by a clamor of children, he climbed out of the bus and began to repair it. A park manager witnessed the consequent deadly incident, as did the children, who watched in horror while tigers savagely mauled their driver. Their hysterical caterwauling summoned a nearby trainer, who drove the tigers from their victim, but it was too late to save Xu from the deadly consequences of the bites to his neck.

As a consolation prize his death provided a memorable example to the children of the danger of stupidity in action.

Reference: Singapore Straits Times
 
DARWIN AWARD: SMARTER ANIMALS
Confirmed by Darwin
16 AUGUST 1999, GERMANY

Man’s best friend?

A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog after he left it with a loaded gun. The fifty-one-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw, and police have ruled out foul play. Since it happened in a hunting preserve, the dog may elect to have the trophy head mounted on a wall in its doghouse.

1991, NICOSIA, CYPRESS

Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter named Ali was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the victim tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his gun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

Reference: Islamic Republic News Agency, Norfolk (Virginia) News, ABC News, Austria Press, Germany Press, Rueters, Bloomberg News, DPA
 
DARWIN AWARD:
RUNNING OF THE BULLS
Confirmed by Darwin
14 MAY 2000, FRANCE

A Berlin woman attempting to capture a memorable photo of the running of the bulls in the southern town of Nîmes paid for her stupidity with her life. The sixty-eight-year-old photographer removed a metal safety barricade and walked into the middle of the street, camera to her eye, searching for the best camera angle. She was knocked over by a horse whose startled rider could not stop in time, then trampled by the horse and six rampaging bulls before being rescued from the street. She was flown to a nearby hospital, where she died from her injuries.

Reference: Hamburger Morgenpost
 
DARWIN AWARD: SILENCED BY THE LAMBS
Unconfirmed by Darwin
28 JANUARY 1999, LONDON

A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer’s wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. The woman, sixty-seven, was charged by dozens of sheep after she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant hundred-foot quarry near Durham, in northeastern England. “I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline,” a neighbor told reporters. Her husband is being comforted by friends.


Bleating and babbling, they fell on his neck with a scream.
Wave upon wave of demented avengers March cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream.
—Pink Floyd, “Sheep”
 
My favourite one is this one:

P5xQ368.jpg


Angry Wheelchair Man, the rashly rushing rammer who epitomizes the downfall of the human race.

(25 August 2010, Daejon, South Korea) An angry handicapped man, annoyed that an elevator departed without him, thinks it over before ramming his wheelchair into the doors (bam!) once, twice, three times in all. Success and failure combined as he gained access to the elevator, and plunged down the rabbit hole to his death. This 40-year-old man earns immortality as an irritated Darwin Award winner.


The Video:

Code:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkkT2tII_GI
 
Ahh, the Angry Wheelchair Man is a classic - thanks bmark.

DARWIN AWARD: HUMAN HITCHING POST
Unconfirmed by Darwin
8 MARCH 2000, NEVADA

A woman we’ll call Stephanie, twenty-nine, was working with her young and spirited Arabian horse, which she had won in a lottery the previous year. The animal was only partially trained, and still a bit spooky. Every time Stephanie tried to don its bridle, the horse threw back its head and frustrated her efforts.

Then Stephanie had her brilliant idea.

She tied a rope around the Arabian’s head, and fastened the other end around her waist to keep the horse from throwing its head back. That way, both hands were free to fasten the bridle.

But horses are five hundred times stronger than people, according to Deputy Sheriff Lance Modispacher, who reported that the horse spooked again, threw Stephanie off her feet, and began running around its paddock, dragging its erstwhile trainer by the rope around her waist. And the rope was short, so she was trampled right under the horse’s feet as it ran.

Her father noticed the commotion and ran to help. Unfortunately his two dogs came with him, and started chasing the horse, nipping at its heels. This did not improve Stephanie’s situation. He finally managed to lock the dogs away and fetch a knife from the house. With the help of a neighbor, he chased the horse down and cut the rope, freeing the lacerated lass.

But Stephanie had already spent ten minutes under the hooves of her horse, and she died a few hours later at a local hospital, a victim of internal injuries and head trauma, the result of her lamentable decision to tie herself to a skittish horse.
 
HONORABLE MENTION: NINE TIMES A LOSER
Confirmed by Darwin
OCTOBER 1998, AUSTRALIA

A bloke named Gordon who, by amusing coincidence, hails from Darwin, Australia, lost his arm, the use of his legs, and was revived three times on the operating table after an encounter with a king brown snake, the twenty-first most deadly venomous snake in the world. Gordon said, “I still can’t believe my arm’s been chopped off just for one snake.”

Perhaps nine snakes that each bit him once would be more easily believed than the one snake that bit him nine times.

Gordon, who has admitted he was drunk at the time, had been driving with a friend from Mandorah to Darwin when they saw the snake. He picked it up with his left hand “because I was holding a beer in my right one.” The snake bit the web of his hand, but Gordon managed to withstand the pain and put it in a plastic bag. He threw the bag in the back of the car.

Once again quoting Gordon, “For some stupid reason, I stuck my hand back in the bag, and it must have smelled blood, it bit me another eight times.” They drove him to a nearby hotel, where Gordon was taken by ambulance to the hospital. His friend tried to keep him conscious by, as Gordon said, “whacking me in the head and pouring beer on me.”

Despite his friend’s quick action, doctors have said that it will take a long time and a lot of rehabilitation before Gordon regains full muscle control. When he does, we anticipate another Darwin Award attempt.

Reference: Northern Territory News (Australia)
 
HONORABLE MENTION:
REVENGE OF THE GOPHER
Confirmed by Darwin
3 APRIL 1995, CALIFORNIA

Anyone who has watched the movie Caddyshack will have a good idea of the resilience of gophers. In the spring of 1995 three employees of the Carroll Fowler Elementary School in Ceres received a gopher in good condition. Their subsequent actions show that they were unfamiliar with the movie in particular, and with the vengeful nature of gophers in general.

One janitor and two maintenance men hauled the gopher into a small janitorial closet and apparently decided to kill it. There is no other plausible reason for spraying cleaning solvent on the gopher.

The solvent was designed to remove gum by freezing it and making it easier to scrape up. Elementary schools have an ongoing need for such solvents. But the gopher was stronger than the gum. Three cans later, it was still alive and kicking.

They paused for a moment of silent reflection, and the janitor lit a cigarette in the fume-filled room. The subsequent explosion injured all three men, and sixteen children were treated for scraped knees.

In the aftermath of the explosion, the persecuted gopher was discovered unharmed, clinging to a wall. He was released back into the wild, where he is expected to enjoy years of free drinks in gopher pubs as he tells the story of his brush with death.

Reference: Sacramento Bee, Hartford Courant
 
HONORABLE MENTION: WOMAN DISARMED BY TIGER
Confirmed by Darwin
22 MAY 2000, COLORADO
Volunteer lends a hand.

A twenty-eight-year-old wildlife volunteer at the Prairie Wind Animal Refuge was demonstrating the gentility of a captive Siberian tiger to visitors when the tiger demonstrated a more familiar trait of its species and ripped her arm off.

The woman had been a volunteer for two years. When a group of visitors enquired [sic] whether the refuge had problems with people sticking their hands in the cages, she placed her arm inside the tiger cage and beckoned a full-grown two year-old animal. The tiger, which was new to the facility, sauntered over and began to lick the woman’s hand in an apparent display of affection. When the woman playfully scratched the tiger’s nose, the animal recoiled and closed its
jaws around her hand.

The woman discovered that the tiger did not intend to return her arm, and pulled away in a panic. Another tour guide reported that the beast worked its way up her shoulder in two seconds and tore her arm off at the socket. He said he tried to retrieve the arm, but “the tiger did not want to give it back.”

Though the arm was not found, the remaining woman was airlifted to a nearby hospital and treated for an accidental amputation. But the tender-hearted tour guide bore no ill will toward the cat, and begged authorities from her hospital bed not to put down the animal as punishment for for its unsavory meal choice.

Reference: CNN, ABC News, the Associated Press,
KCNC-TV, Denver Rocky Mountain News
 
HONORABLE MENTION:
DON’T MESS WITH MAMA BEAR
Confirmed by Darwin
15 JULY 1999, TENNESSEE

An Alabama man disobeyed a fundamental rule of nature when he videotaped a bear cub frolicking near the road in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. When the cub became bored and trotted back into the woods, the cameraman followed him through a thicket, only to come face to face with Mama Bear and two more cubs.

Mama naturally chased the intruder, swiping at him but not actually striking him. The cameraman, understandably fleet of foot, fled hastily into some broken tree limbs, which stabbed him in the groin and abdomen. Managing to escape without further injury, he was taken to a local hospital for treatment.

The Park Service will remove dangerous animals from the park, but in this case, they determined that the bear acted only to protect her cubs, and decided to leave her alone. We suggest that it is the cameraman who should instead be removed to a more remote area.

Reference: Knoxville News-Sentinel
 
URBAN LEGEND: MAN GLUED TO RHINO BUTTOCKS
RUSSIA

A Vermont native found himself in a difficult position while touring the Eagle Rock African Safari Zoo with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg. Ronald went to extremes to demonstrate the power of Crazy Glue, one of America’s many marvels, to the Russians. To prove the effectiveness of Crazy Glue he rubbed several ounces of the adhesive onto the palms of his hands and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino.

The rhinoceros, a resident of the zoo for thirteen years, was not initially startled, as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware that it was involuntarily stuck to Ronald, it began to panic and charge wildly about the petting area with Ronald along as an unwitting passenger.

“Sally the Rhino hadn’t been feeling well,” confided caretaker James Douglass. “She was constipated, and had just been given a laxative when the American played his juvenile prank.”

During Sally’s tirade a shed wall was gored and two fences destroyed, allowing a number of small animals to escape. Three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. During the stampede and subsequent capture, Sally began to feel the effects of the laxative, showering Ronald repeatedly with over thirty gallons of rhinoceros diarrhea. A team of medics and zoo caretakers were needed to remove his hands from Sally’s buttocks. “It was tricky. We had to calm her down while shielding our faces from the pelting rhino dung. I guess you could say that Ronald was in it up to his neck.”

Once she was under control, three people with shovels worked to keep an air passage open for Ronald. “We were eventually able to tranquilize Sally and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear,” said Douglass. “I don’t think he’ll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while.”

Meanwhile, the amused Russians were impressed with the power of the adhesive. “I’m going to buy some for my children, but of course they can’t take it to the zoo,” commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.

Ronald did not die, nor was there any reproductive injury, yet he may still qualify for a Darwin Award if you are persuaded by the fact that nobody would date a man who smelled of rhino dung.
 
PERSONAL ACCOUNT: BUG REPELLENT
2000, FLORIDA

We moved to Florida when I was in high school in 1972. One summer evening I took a drive across “Alligator Alley,” the highway traversing the Everglades. There were so many snakes crisscrossing the pavement, I decided to return the next night to collect a few.

I figured the best approach would be to sit on the car hood while my friend drove me slowly along. When I spied a snake, I’d pound on the hood to alert my pal, and hop off to grab it. Few supplies were needed for this miniexpedition: a pillow sack to hold the snakes and a flashlight to spot them. The mosquitoes would probably be thick again, so I’d bring plenty of repellent too.

My family kept the bug spray in the dark storage area under the kitchen sink, along with many other common household products. In a hurry, I spied the familiar letters O-F-F, grabbed the aerosol canister, and zoomed down to the ’Glades. I couldn’t wait to start the snake hunt.

But since I was wearing shorts, I did pause long enough to holler to my friend to toss me the spray. I applied copious amounts to first one thigh, then the other. Then . . .

Yow!

Suddenly the foam of a thousand scrubbing bubbles was frying my skin. I thought I was on fire, but couldn’t guess the reason as I ran to the nearby canal and jumped in, hoping a large gator wasn’t parked there at the moment. The water eased the pain, and after some intense rubbing I limped back to the car.

My friend was laughing his ass off as he handed me the aerosol can I had dropped in my haste. He shone his flashlight on its label. That industrial-strength bug repellent was so powerful, it would probably have driven off hungry alligators! It was Easy-OFF oven cleaner.

The skin on my thighs eventually sloughed off and healed. Despite this incident, hunting for snakes has been a lifelong passion.

Reference: Bill Love, personal account.
 
PERSONAL ACCOUNT: WHY KIDS LEAVE THE FARM
1974, MICHIGAN

Farms in northern Michigan see winter temperatures well below freezing. Materials that normally separate easily, such as grain and water drops, can freeze into solid blocks.

In the winter dairy cows eat silage composed of shredded alfalfa and cornstalks, which is stored in large silos attached to the barns. During one particularly cold snap, the silage froze twelve feet up in a Polish farmer’s silo because the top of the silo is more exposed to cold than the lower part adjacent to the barn.

He fed the cows the lower portion of the silage, but the upper portion remained suspended, congealed into a solid roof over the floor of the silo.

Although there was still enough feed for several days, the farmer decided to dislodge the silage. He had some options. He could bring a small heater into the silo to thaw the material overnight. Or he could climb the ladder leading to the top of the silo, and dislodge the ice from a higher vantage. Instead he stepped into the silo and used a long two-by-four to prod the tons of frozen silage above him.

His male children had to use the tractor to extract their father from several tons of silage, so the undertaker could do his job. The obituary listed his death as a “farm accident.”

Reference: Brian Bixby, personal account.
 
DARWIN AWARD: GO, SPEED RACER, GO
Unconfirmed by Darwin
1999, ILLINOIS

Jim had an elderly mother whose driver’s license was about to expire. She didn’t want to lose her license, even though her response time was so slow that the whole family knew she shouldn’t be driving. Jim decided to stop arguing with his mother, and simply take her to an Illinois driver testing facility, where she would undoubtedly fail the road test. And that would be that.

On the fateful day of the test he picked her up and drove her to the testing facility. It was a warm and sunny day. When their turn was called, he escorted his mother back to the car and helped her inside. The driving evaluator began to climb into the passenger seat.

At this point Jim did something incredibly foolhardy. He walked directly behind the car, and stood ten feet away from a brick wall. Standing behind a car is something that one should avoid even when there is a known good driver in the car. But this car contained a known bad driver, and his actions proved to be rash.

His mother started the engine, stepped on the gas, and accidentally put the car into gear.

Reverse gear.

The evaluator suffered a broken arm. Poor Jim was not so lucky. He expired a few days later from internal injuries sustained in the accident. The Darwin Award goes not only to Jim, but also to his mother, who avoided passing on her own poor genes by killing her son. After all, Mother does know best.

Reference: Stephen L. Wall, personal account,
Chicago Tribune, Chicago Daily Herald
 
These people couldn't have been that dumb all their lives, could they? If they had been, it seems like they would have died years before.
 
DARWIN AWARD: WIFE TOSSING IN BUENOS AIRES
1998 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed by Darwin
FEBRUARY 1998, BUENOS AIRES

Did he win the argument? During a heated marital dispute in a working-class Boedo neighborhood, a twenty-five-yearold man picked up his twenty-year-old wife and threw her off their eighth-floor apartment balcony.

To his dismay she became tangled in the power lines below. He immediately leapt from the balcony and fell toward his wife. We can only speculate as to his reasons. Was he angrily trying to finish the job, or remorsefully hoping to rescue her? He did not accomplish either goal. He missed the power lines completely, and plunged to his death.

The woman managed to swing over to a nearby balcony and was saved.

Reference: Reuters
 
DARWIN AWARD: COUNT YOUR CHICKENS
1996 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed by Darwin
31 AUGUST 1995, EGYPT

Six people drowned while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An eighteen-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the sixty-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down. Police said his sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went down the well one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came by to help. But they were apparently pulled under by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were eventually extricated from the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo.

The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

Reference: The Associated Press
 
DARWIN AWARD: FATHER KNOWS BEST
Confirmed by Darwin
13 MARCH 1999, NEW JERSEY

It started out like a scene from The Brady Bunch. Andrew and his fiancée were living together with his three children and her three children in Dover Township, when an argument over chocolate cake icing erupted.

Andrew accused his ten-year-old son of taking the missing container, and the two became embroiled in a heated disagreement. Andrew took the boy out to the garage for a private discussion, and there the conversation became even more emotional. Then the man made his fatal mistake.

He handed a five-inch kitchen knife to his angry son, and challenged the boy to stab him if he hated him so much. The boy put the knife down, but Andrew picked it up and placed it in his hand again. In the heat of the moment the outraged boy took him up on the offer and plunged the knife into his chest. The deadly blow happened so fast that no one could stop it.

Andrew was pronounced dead at Community Medical Center. His last words were “Would you believe the kid did that?”

The fourth grader, charged with manslaughter and illegal possession of a weapon, faces up to three years’ imprisonment. But Ocean County prosecutor E. David Millard said it was unlikely that he would serve jail time, as the boy had been provoked.

Reference: Associated Press, New York Times,
Philadelphia Daily News, Asbury Park Press
 
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