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somancky

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Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son
Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum

P.S. I was going to send you some envelope. I had already sealed the envelope.
 
On a Miami to Chicago flight was a lively youngster who nearly drove everyone crazy. He was running up and down the aisle when the flight attendant started serving coffee. He ran smack into her, knocking a cup of coffee out of her hand and onto the floor.

As he stood by watching her clean up the mess, she glanced up at the boy and said, ‘”Look, why don’t you go and play outside?”
 
Cute. And I'm sure that's something anyone who ever flew longer than 4 hours with somebody else's children would love to have said (loud enough for their parents to hear).
 
laughing1.gif
 
Every night, an Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.

He downs each shot, pays the barman, and leaves. The bartender eventually asks him why he always drinks exactly three shots. “It’s one for me and one for each of my brothers,” he tells the bartender. “One is in America and the other is in Australia, and we do this to feel like we’re all still drinking together.” A month later the Irishman only orders two shots of whiskey. “Oh no,” says the barman. “I’m sorry for your loss. Was it the one in America or Australia?” “What?” The Irishman looks puzzled, then glances at the whiskey glasses. “Jesus no, it’s nothin’ like that. It’s just that I’ve decided to stop drinking.”
 
My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!
 
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
 
Bartender: “What’s the matter buddy?”
Man: “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.”
Bartender: “What did you do?”
Man: “I told her to get the hell out!”
Bartender: “What about your friend?”
Man: “I looked him straight in the eyes and said ‘bad dog!’”
 
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

i have 4, one of each. which one would you like.

my wife said she only has 4 kids that she knows of?
 
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
 
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
 
  • A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars."

    "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."

    The man then asks about the next parrot and learns that it costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

    Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, only to be told that it costs $2,000 dollars. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

    To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do anything, but the other two call him boss!"
 
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