A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to
bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he
realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs.
Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help
me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely
nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out
and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange
juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it
definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the
gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby
wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll
have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the
baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or
I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious
man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to
get off four stops ago!"
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The
question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put
to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his
bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my
chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But
grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna
da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a
home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea
home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you
gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It
was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're
waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi
driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the
truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The
little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His
mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few
minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens
to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female
neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to
sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did
this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14
children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five
great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium
used to be.
life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to
bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he
realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs.
Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help
me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely
nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out
and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange
juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it
definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the
gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby
wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll
have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the
baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or
I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious
man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to
get off four stops ago!"
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The
question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put
to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his
bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my
chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But
grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna
da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a
home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea
home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you
gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It
was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're
waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi
driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the
truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The
little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His
mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few
minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens
to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female
neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to
sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did
this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14
children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five
great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium
used to be.
