Sticky Fun Mega Thread

[somancky]

Frank and Fiona were making passionate love in Frank's van when suddenly Fiona, who was a bit on the kinky side, and had just read "50 shades of grey", yells out,
"Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Frank, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

A bout a week later Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the
doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even had sex with Frank, let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits,
"Yes I did."

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims:
"I thought so because in
all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen

 

[sunny2020]

hahhaha

 

[bigrig69]

that got an audible chuckle from me

 

[Dirkvd001]

hmmm... more a daddy joke

 

[swish17]

I lol'd

 

[swish17]

I cracked up

 

[piratelad]

what? i don't get it

 

[somancky]

Don't look out these blonds at the supermarket​

WARNING!!! SCAM ALERT!!!



You may find superhot blonds on Walmart. They used to hang out around the big 24 hr Supermarket car park. When you are putting your shopping away, they ask you for a lift to McDonalds. They are very convincing and very hot!

Once in your car the Blonde one takes off the clothes and starts climbing all over you, while she keeps you busy the other one takes your wallet!




I had mine taken on the 17th... ...The 18th, 20th, twice yesterday and probably again tomorrow!




The supermarket sells wallets for 2.95 but I found some at the Poundland for only 1.00 so I bought all they had......

 

[somancky]

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. “You did a great job,” he said and handed the man a cheque. “Also, to thank-you, here’s an extra £80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie.” Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the painter had forgotten something the man asked, “What’s the matter, did you forget something?” “Nope.” replied the painter. “I’m just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked.”

 

[somancky]

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning.

I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay, I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors.

“Just a minute,” I said, thinking of a quick solution.
“I’ll put down newspapers.”

“That’s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”

 

[Dave R]

Superb

 

[whitefish]

good one ...

 

[somancky]

Two drunken Irishmen in a graveyard.

Paddy starts reading the gravestones.

"Mick" he says;

Would you look at this, a feller here who was 90 when he died!"

"Who's that?" says Mick.

"Somebody called O'Toole from Kerry," he replies.

Mick says, "Never mind him, there's a feller here called Murphy, was 99 when he died! From Castletown of all places!

"Well thats nothing!" says Paddy.

"What about what written on this feller's stone, here right beside the gate!"

"The stone says 147!"

"147? thats amazing!" says Mick.

"Who was he?"

"Well according to the stone, its somebody called Miles from Dublin...

 

[somancky]

MESSAGE LEFT ON THE BRITISH ARMY ANSWERPHONE:
Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers:
A. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.
B If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or weekends.)
C. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.

 

[somancky]

A man and his wife were at a family wedding. The man came back from the bar with two glasses of whisky and set one down in front of her.
"What's this?" she asked, surprised. "I asked you for a sweet sherry!"
"Never mind that," said the man. "Drink it!"
She picked up the glass and sniffed it warily. Then she took a tiny sip and instantly screwed up her face. "That's disgusting!" she exclaimed.
"Exactly!" said the man. "And you think that when I'm out with my mates every night, drinking that, I'm enjoying myself

 

[dno1stunner]

nice one

 

[somancky]

In the middle of the night, a Bootneck is driving from Plymouth to London, and a Para is driving from London to Plymouth. There are no other cars on the road and they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Bootneck manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,…..”Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”

Likewise the Para scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ….. “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”

The Bootneck walks over to the Para and says,…… “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals”

The Para thinks for a moment and says, …… “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends".

The Bootneck says "I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck” So Royal pops open his boot and finds a full, unopened bottle of Pussers rum. He says to the Para “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship”

The Para replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts guzzling down the rum.

After putting away nearly half the bottle the Para hands it back to the Bootneck and says, “That was good! Your turn!”

Royal puts the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to arrive.”

 

[somancky]

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff, when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle, and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the heck is going on?" The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!"

 

[somancky]

The plane has just taken off and the captain is welcoming the passengers aboard, giving them the usual flight information, when suddenly he shouts, "OH, MY GOD!" and the plane shudders violently. After a few seconds he comes back on and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologise for that. The stewardess accidentally dropped my cup of coffee into my lap and I was startled. You should see the mess on the front of my trousers!"

And one of the passengers shouts, "You should see the mess on the back of mine!"

 

[somancky]

Paddy runs in the pub and shouts to Mick,
someones stolen your car ,
Mick says ,did you see who did it ?
Paddy , says no, but i got the registration number ...