Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action

[Dr Pickles]

DARWIN AWARD: LAUGHING GAS
Confirmed by Darwin
16 APRIL 1999, WASHINGTON, D.C.

Considering the manner of their deaths, we can thank our lucky stars that there are two fewer paramedics around. Carol and Mark were found dead in their suburban home by Mark’s fourteen-year-old son. The couple were wearing respiratory masks attached to an empty canister of nitrous oxide.

Nitrous oxide, commonly known as “laughing gas,” produces a short-lived high, and is often used as a relaxant in dental offices and outpatient clinics. Like every other pure gas, it must be mixed with air or oxygen lest it cause suffocation. Needless to say, Carol and Mark did not mix the nitrous oxide with air.

What makes this story a true Darwin is that both of the deceased had had enough medical training to know better. Mark was a ten-year veteran paramedic with the District of Columbia Fire Department. Carol was studying to become an emergency medical technician for a suburban fire department.

The Washington, D.C., Fire Department’s public information officer was quoted as saying Mark was “one of the most educated and highly trained people we had.” That must alleviate the concerns of thousands of D.C. residents!

Reference: Washington Post

 

[Dr Pickles]

DARWIN AWARD: MURDEROUS AFFAIR
Confirmed by Darwin
Regarding William Padgett. The first article sets the stage, the second details his innovative way of killing himself.

31 JULY 1878, ENGLAND

William, better know as “Old Bill” Padget, appeared before Justice Brown, charged with attempting to discharge a loaded gun with intent to kill Charles Marshman, for whom he worked upon a farm. The examination showed that on Thursday Bill became angered at Marshman and drew a rifle on him and pulled the trigger; but the cap failed to explode. Marshman struck Bill with a stick of wood, and his fists, and drove him off to the barn, where some parties took the gun away from him and he fled to the woods, where he was found by the officer. Bill is not a very handsome or pleasant looking man when he is all right, and the beating he received had not added to his personal charms. He looked as though he had tempted death by tickling the hind foot of a healthy mule. It was shown that Bill did not know the gun was loaded, he having set it away unloaded, and Marshman had loaded it unbeknown to him. He was held for assault and battery, and on Monday a trial by jury was held. The jury brought in a verdict of “not guilty.”

1 FEBRUARY 1887

James and William Padgett were of the first who commenced the settlement of this town and voted at this first election. They settled a few miles from the village near a stream, which has since been called after them. Bear Trap Falls on this same stream came by its name in the following way: A few of their neighbors constructed what is called a “deadfall” or primitive bear trap, built in the form of a figure four, with a heavy piece of timber made sharp on one side to fall upon and hold any large animal when caught under it. This was in the autumn of 1800. One morning William Padgett while alone examined the trap to see if it was adjusted correctly. It was, for the sharp log fell and imprisoned the unfortunate man, and several hours elapsed before anyone came to his release. He was taken out, called for a drink of water, which was brought him in a hat from the stream nearby, when he drank it and immediately expired.

Reference: Oxford Times, Reel 9, July 31, 1878,
Oxford Times, Reel 11, February 1, 1887

 

[Dr Pickles]

DARWIN AWARD: AVOIDING A FIGHT
Confirmed by Darwin
19 DECEMBER 1999, NEW YORK

A man died after falling off the roof of a moving car. He was arguing with his girlfriend during a drive home for Christmas along Interstate 88. Although the vehicle was travelling in excess of sixty-five miles per hour in the midst of galeforce winds, the man decided to exit the car onto the roof, presumably to escape from the fight. The luckless boyfriend fell to the ground, where he lay until paramedics rushed him to the hospital. He died the next day due to head injuries. The woman was charged with driving under the influence.

Reference: Binghamton (New York) Press & Sun

 

[Dr Pickles]

DARWIN AWARD: MAINE CHAINSAW ROMANCE
Confirmed by Darwin
5 JULY 1999, MAINE

An Internet romance blossomed then faded, after a Missouri man traveled to Maine to meet his destiny. In a bizarre merging of You’ve Got Mail with Texas Chainsaw Massacre, James swung a chainsaw and severed his own neck in a futile effort to prove his love to the woman who had spurned his face-to-face romance.

His relationship with Leigh (not her real name) began over the Internet in 1998, and James moved from Missouri to Maine on June 23 to further the yearlong affair. Instead, Leigh insisted upon ending the relationship post-haste.

Distraught, James drove to her house in Topsham, knocked on the door, and asked her adult son to get his mother. The son refused and locked all the doors. James pulled a chainsaw from his trunk, stood on the lawn, and performed his macho act in a vain attempt to impress the depth of his feelings upon the woman. Police arrived to find him barely alive.

“There was blood all over. I couldn’t see where the wound was,” explained William Robbins of the Sagadahoc County Sheriff’s Department. James died in the hospital shortly thereafter.

A friend of the deceased believes that Leigh abused James’s affection. “He spent thousands of dollars on calls, email, computers,” she said, “and also helped that woman pay her bills.” Debra received a desperate phone call just hours before he took his life. She reported that he begged, “Tell me you forgive me.” His friend did so, and then the phone went dead. She attempted to alert authorities but had insufficient information regarding his whereabouts.

James had attempted suicide five years earlier, and had seemingly recovered his equilibrium. He purchased the chainsaw in Maine a week prior to his sensational death.

Reference: San Jose Mercury News, Infobeat.com, CNN, Portland Press

 

[Dr Pickles]

HONORABLE MENTION: TRASH COMPACTOR
Unconfirmed by Darwin
14 APRIL 2000, UTAH

A man whose domestic tranquility had been marred by a quarrel with his wife decided to sleep in the relative peace of a garbage Dumpster behind a church. But his private slumber was interrupted on Wednesday morning when he was dumped into a garbage truck and caught in its hydraulic compactor. He was “collected” from behind the church at 6:00 A.M., and the truck proceeded on to gather more rubbish at a high school. The drive had just engaged the truck’s compactor when he heard a frantic pounding on the walls of the truck bay. Fire Battalion Chief Brad Wardle commented, “Apparently, he and his wife had an argument. Who knows why he didn’t just go to a hotel?”

Reference: Salt Lake Tribune

 

[Dr Pickles]

URBAN LEGEND: MISSIONARY MISCALCULATION
1999, NEW GUINEA

Reverend Upton Down, a self-ordained minister of his own Church of Youthful Wisdom, left Australia with his wife and daughters on a missionary excursion. The ill-fated reverend was determined to bring religion to a tribe of satanic cannibals. He dragged his fearful wife and daughters into the jungles of New Guinea in pursuit of his dream.

His sister begged him not to risk his babies’ lives like that. “But he said the cannibals would love his kids, and that would make his job even easier.” As it turned out, the Reverend Down guessed wrong. The Tuoari tribesmen promptly ate the Reverend Down, his wife, and his three daughters.

Concerned locals said, “We tried to tell him that Tuoaris don’t want missionaries. They are perfectly happy worshiping the devil and eating any juicy white man who comes along.”

“Neighboring tribes say that the preacher and his family were in the stewpot before he ever took his Bible out of his duffel bag,” Detective Odoka reported. “The Tuoaris ate like kings and danced all night long.”

Reference: Ghana Mirror

 

[nevyn68]

The above is correctly listed as urban legend.
Cos it didn't happen.

 

[Dr Pickles]

PERSONAL ACCOUNT: ACCIDENTAL SAFE SEX
1998, MARYLAND

The commanding officer of a student battalion at the Aberdeen Proving Ground was vexed with a student’s domestic problem. The man in front of him was one of the many foreign students who came from the Middle East to learn how to fix stuff, but this one was having troubles of a different sort.

He was trying to impregnate his fifteen-year-old wife, who was also his cousin, without success.

The commanding officer arranged for an appointment with a fertility specialist at the Johns Hopkins University Hospital. After examining the couple, the doctor found that both husband and wife were fertile. He then gave them a more extensive interview.

He discovered that the couple had been engaging in a form of intercourse that is not normally associated with procreation. After his careful explanation, they presumably procreated successfully. But offspring or not, they both deserve an Honorable Mention for not knowing how to get the job done.

Reference: Anonymous personal account, reputed to be from the commanding officer.

 

[Dr Pickles]

PERSONAL ACCOUNT: WIVES WITH CHLOROFORM
27 APRIL 1999, WEST VIRGINIA

My great-great-grandfather was the town doctor in Blackwater Falls in the 1800s. He lived with his wife, and was affectionately referred to as Dr. Bob by the community.

When he had insomnia, which was frequently, he would get to sleep by the simple expedient of draping a chloroformsoaked handkerchief over his face. His wife had her instructions, and without fail she followed them and removed the cloth once he had fallen asleep.

Unbeknownst to his wife, he was quite affectionate with several women of the area. One day, a teenage girl unexpectedly left a baby boy on his doorstep, claiming it was his and that she could neither care for it nor bear the shame. His wife, grieved that they had never had any children of their own, reluctantly agreed to take the baby in.

That evening the events of the day were unsettling enough to give the doctor severe insomnia. As usual, he draped the chloroformed hanky over his face. However, his wife . . . forgot to remove the handkerchief this time. Old Dr. Bob expired,
having pushed his luck too far.

If a Darwin decision like that were a crime, Dr. Bob would be behind bars. In a sense, he is.

Reference: Janet K.

 

[Dr Pickles]

DARWIN AWARD: JUNK FOOD JUNKIE
1994 Darwin Award Winner
Unconfirmed by Darwin

The 1994 Darwin Award went to the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine, which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

Reference: Reuters, Morgunbladid of Iceland, Kenya Times

 

[bmark240]

Another of one of my favourite ones is this here:

Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and, shouting "Watch this then," he swung at his own head and chopped it off.

"It's funny," said one companion, "when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man."

Reports suggest that this is mostly true however the bet was Azninski gave an axe to someone else and placed his head down on a table and taunted the other that he wasn't brave enough to make the cut...

 

[Dr Pickles]

DARWIN AWARD: COPPER CAPER
Confirmed by Darwin
1999, ENGLAND

Wayne wanted to make a few bucks selling stolen scrap metal. He sneaked into a demolition site and surveyed the area for valuable hunks of debris. His eyes fastened upon what appeared to be a three-inch-thick copper pipe. That would fetch a fine fee! But it was too heavy for him to budge. He hauled a few lesser chunks of metal away, but could not get the thought of that copper pipe out of his mind. He returned with sturdy bolt cutters, and it was then, when he attempted to sever the pipe, that he was shocked to discover it was actually carrying eleven thousand volts of power. The paramedics who tried to revive the electrified Wayne were thwarted by the current. He did not survive to be charged with his crime.

Reference: Derbyshire Times

And yet he was "charged" none the less...

 

[nevyn68]

Charged.....

ha ha very funny

 

[Dr Pickles]

DARWIN AWARD: GOOD TRUMPS EVIL AT CHURCH
Confirmed by Darwin
8 MARCH 1999, KENYA

A middle-aged thief sat quietly through the Sunday service at All Saints Cathedral in Nairobi. But when the offering basket was passed, fellow worshipers were astonished to see him stashing handfuls of the money in his pockets. Realizing he had been spotted, the miscreant fled from the church and onto a busy highway, where a speeding bus killed him. The cause of death? An act of God. The moral? Don’t annoy the Ruler of the Universe, or you just may wind up a Darwin Award.